Empty…storm clouds are boiling on the horizon, the wind is picking up and that heaviness that promises downpour is telling me it's coming. I cansee the lightning, taste it in the air, feel the way my skin prickles at the change in the atmosphere. I know it's coming, but there's nowhere to hide from it, no sanctuary to protect me from the coming onslaught. All I can do is wait, wait for it to reach me and watch helplessly in the meantime.
This is how it is, every single time. The signs are there, the indicators, but like the shrieking storm, I have no means to stop it, no power against the forces of nature. The downwards turns, the insomnia, the incessant tiredness, the gray dullness that everything seems to take on, the desire to do nothing but lie in a darkened room under the covers alone- all the signs scream at me that its coming, but what can I do?
I force myself to get up, force myself to get dressed, force myself to do the things that need to get done. But I'm tired, I'm unfocused, I'm sad. Nothing holds my interest; not a good book, not playing violin or piano or singing, not listening to music, not getting online, not blogging. I just want to sleep and pretend the world doesn't exist. I think about dying and death and the people I've lost, and think about how much easier the thought of death seems to be, so much easier than living in this existence where I can't cope and feel nothing but sadness and hopelessness and fear and guilt.
I've been on so many different medications, so many different tries with little or no results. I've been to many different therapists, too many. I'm so sick of starting over, reliving my past with each one, or in this case, having to go back in defeat because the disease is taking over again. I know I'm supposed to talk, supposed to put it all out on the table, but I often find myself wondering, "what's the point?". I don't seem to be getting better,or if I do, it doesn't last for more than months at a time.
I watch on the sidelines as friends and loved ones live their lives, go out and have a good time, throw parties, meetup for drinks, celebrate relationships and everyday joys, and I'm so envious and jealous. I feel like I don't belong on the same planet. How is it that they have such an easy time dealing with day to day life, how do they feel so happy, what is missing in me that I can't be that way too?
So here I sit, alone in my thoughts, trapping the circling babble that makes up my thinking right now in a blog. There's no one to call that understands, no one that has any magic wisdom to ward off the coming hell that I'm facing again. So I guess I'll just sit down on the shoreline, wrap up against the incoming wind and watch the angry waves roll in as the storm builds and the rain begins. All I know for sure is that I have no option but to face it, to endure it even though it may beat me to shreds. And in the end, when its all over, all I can hope for is the ability to pick myself up and stand again.
Is there more to believe in?