Why is every day such a hard thing? I shouldn't feel like this, I should be out enjoying my weekend ~ but here I sit crying over nothing instead. He wants to go out and do stuff, but I just want to sit here because my motivation and energy are gone. It's times like this that make me wish I was single so I wouldn't hurt the ones I love due to my illness. I don't want to drag them through the muck either. I feel so fragile today, so easily broken. And of course, thoughts of suicide are dancing around my brain unchecked. I've slept most of the day, hiding how bad it is from my husband and son.

I can't do this for the rest of my life…I just can't. It's too much to handle for my family, too much for me. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.I feel like I'm in hell already.

I guess I'll gogeocaching (it's like treasure hunting) with my family…I'll take my new camera and try to find beautiful things to take pictures of. If I stay herealone I might try something stupid. And then I wouldn't get toenjoythe ice creamthey're going to get after geocaching. What can I say? I love good ice cream. And my husband has promised to take me to my favorite store.Maybe I'll find somethingthere that will make me feel good.

I haveto go getdressed…It's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still in pajamas. I can do this, I can do this…one breathe at a time.

I hope you all are having a better day than I am. I just have to remember that this too shall pass.

3 Comments
  1. xillah 8 years ago

    Thanks for sharing your experiences. It helps that I'm not the only one trying to seem okay for my husband all the time. You seem as though you're really trying to overcome this, and that even makes me feel a little better about the slump/relapse/dark spot I've slipped into over the past couple of days.

    I'm also still in my PJs, looking like a crazy-haired madwoman and trying to motivate myself to take a shower and get dressed for work.

    Most days I can remind myself that it's only a temporary state of mind, but I guess I sometimes forget. Thanks for reminding me.

    Hope your family excursion and the ice cream help.

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  2. Cassis 8 years ago

     Ugh I hear ya on trying to seem ok for the ones you love.  It is so tiring.  Its three in the afternoon and I'm still in my pjs so kudos to you for getting out of them before me XD  I hope your outting with the family will brighten your day some.  I do find that getting out of the house and doing something can be good for my mood…doesn't fix anything…but any boost is better than none

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  3. Classic_Reader 8 years ago

    One day at a time. Even one moment at a time. Like you said, One breath at a time. I know I worry about how I'm going to handle this for the rest of my life. This is what I have been told works. Thinking about the whole rest of your life with an illness is too overwhelming.  Besides, it won't always be like this. You'll have better days too. I know you cycle. You know an episode doesn't last forever. I know it feels like it but, it won't. Take good care of yourself!

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