I feel I need to get this out but I also think it'll come out weird and incoherent, and I do so like to be coherent, but my thoughts are all over the place and… maybe it's just a waste of time even saying it at all.
Christmas makes me kinda sad.
It's supposed to be like this special time for families and stuff, but my family is kind of split apart at the seams- there was no apparent dispute but there is some sort of tension in the ranks and the cousin I grew up with doesn't give a stuff about me anymore, and I just find this pattern emerging again and again in my life- people I care about ditch me like a hot potato, and I know there's nothing wrong with me, I know I am a good person, so I can't understand why it happens. However, Christmas just seems to bring up all the hurt that I don't feel so much the rest of the year. It feels like a game where you have to pretend to be merry and Christmassy but it's just not real. I feel kinda bad for saying that too coz I have a lot to be thankful for, but it's the worst time of year for me. It just tends to bring up stuff, sadness, for some reason. So I for one will be glad when it's over. It seems so… flat, so ordinary, there's nothing special about it. I am quite envious of these people with big families and lots of loudness and laughter who get to share it all. Also, there's nothing spiritual about it. It began as a spiritual festival and it's just become so horribly commercialised. I can't even go in a church because I don't agree with what they say. I believe in a higher power, but not all that bible stuff. There's something in it yes, but I'm not Christian, not in my heart anyway, so I can't even be a part of anything spiritual at Christmas either. So it's just about nothing to me, coz I'm not materialistic and into getting heaps of presents either. It's a family time but it's nothing special because I spend it with the people I spend every Sunday with, so it's no different from ordinary. There is no magic about it. It's just meaningless to me. Meaningless, and makes me sad too.