Is the first time after so many years when finally I have the courage to share my story and hopefully help others. I lived in a “pink world” for over 23 years – I was so enthusiastic about life, I reached so many goals, dreams, I had issues but I was so positive , never really let anything to really touch me – until I found myself in a “black world”.
Week by week, month by month, year by year I was getting worst – mentally, emotionally – insomnia kicked in – overthinking, worries for absolutely every single little thing, perfectionist, unable to control my behaviours, bad habits started, addiction – and I lost my very well paid job for a stupid mistake that paid a lot. I was strong – I was very strong back than when everything happened – I am proud of how I let all the: frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, confused (why I made the mistake?), not feeling worth it, not trusted, big lair, over judged ; I handled everything perfectly – the reason why friends and family though that I am absolutely fine – I was focusing on getting a new job, I was also planning a wedding that was a few months apart , in a process of buying my first house – so many thinks to deal with.
Believe it or not, somehow I still had the strength and power and miraculously I accomplished everything I aimed for (not alone, with the support of my family but in my head I was doing everything). Everyone was so happy and proud of me. Super quick, in 3 weeks time all the medical problems started. Being under so many stress, I had a severe lake of Iron and my muscle lost their function to rest (looks like our muscles have 3 functions, one of them is NOT TO DO NOTHING), as I was tense all the time; my muscles decided not to relax anymore which made it very hard for me to walk or move. Regular muscle spasm, ending up in Hospital so many times, so many doctors saw me, I had to insist so much for each appointment as I knew that something is wrong with me. Treated me with morphine, diazepam, Co-dydramol and others – I had to take around 8 pills a day – different times of the day – I had to eat just so I can take the mads as my stomach was going crazy too. I was like a vegetable with no hope, anger and frustration as nobody could really tell me what`s wrong with my and how to get better.
I forgot to mention that 2 months before the medical issues really started I had horrible headaches and other symptoms but I was sure that are related to the wedding and the future house, honeymoon plans etc. I got to a point when all my organs hurt, I had to have always someone next to me just in case, as the panic attacks started. And the story is getting even worst (not driving, not going to salsa, not going to the gym, not being able to work, not going shopping as I could not hold a bottle of milk, not being able to cook, not being able to eat, needing help for shower, not being able to stand to much, not being able to sit down to much, no sleep, not enough tears anymore, etc) – however I do not want to get in to many details as they might not be relevant to anyone.
I would rather focus on what`s the way out? I am still not 100% there but I am definitely much better. What worked for me : be persistent and take all the blood test, scans everything medical related to your symptoms. Accept that there is a problem and do not give up until you find what it could be. Everything looks healthy ?! Well let`s find other ways. Meditation, guided meditation for beginners, yoga for stretching, yoga for real , learn breathing techniques, long hot baths with candles and relaxing music, keeping a journal, walk, enjoy the present (enjoy little things, the taste of your coffee, the sunshine, the smile of someone) , chiropractic and therapy massage (two different things), physiotherapy at home, hydrotherapy, and I am sure that I can list a few more, I tried all of those and some of them worked so well.
I have days and days now, as I am still recovering – but this time I am trying to live in the present moment – enough if suffering for the past and planing everything for the future as I am missing the whole journey. Nothing was never enough for me, I was such as an ambitious girl always running for something, challenging myself to be “the best” in every aspect of my life – which is crazy! I am here now, I am enjoying what I have and by being happy with me, myself and I – my world is getting from black to grey and hopefully to a pinkish colour 🙂
Our thought are influencing our actions, behaviours, are attracting that type of people and situations as we are creating it. As I am still facing with breathing difficulties – when I have an episode – as soon as started my mind has 2 options – to listen to the conscious mind (I have enough oxygen, I can breath everything is ok) or unconscious mind (panic – remembering the other panic attacks all the horrible feelings and memories and now I am dying). I learnt that the choice is mine and the results are based on the choice I made.
Believe in yourself and know that you are not alone, even if your story is a tragedy for you – try to be realistic and have a look on what other horrible things, tragedies, are in the world and you are just fine. You are actually so lucky and should be grateful for just having the opportunity to read this blog. You are already ahead to so many other human beings. Be the difference and let`s go back from the nightmares to big dreams, from negativity to positivism, from sadness to happiness. Good luck everyone to find the best version of yourself and to really enjoy your life the way you want your life to be!