It’s 10.08 pm and I feel suddenly very low. I am emotionally drained from the will-we-be-able-to-cope-with-a-baby discussions I’ve been having with my partner the last few days, and really freaked out two days ago, when I suggested a trial seperation, mainly so I could clear all of the shit from my head. I really could use the opportunity to get out and let my hair down. I’m unemployed still, and what with feeling like I’m going to vomit all day every day till about 3.30pm (and resuming at around 8.30pm), it’s really hard to feel motivated to get out and search for work. The ironic thing is, I know as soon as I’m busy in a job again, I’ll feel alot better. All I’m doing now is sitting around worrying about my bills, the ‘future’, and feeling sick. We haven’t had the seperation, because for the most part we seem to have cleared things up, though I feel constantly on tenterhooks because I expect my boyfreind to change his mind again. That’s probably really unfair on him, as he now insists that he has wanted the baby for the last 3 weeks, but it’s been such an emotional rollercoaster and this is really the first time he’s been definate about anything, but not the first time he has leened in a specific direction. To be honest, I’m sick to death of it all. I might go out in a bit and have a drink. I know, I know – I have to be careful. I will. It’s so ironic that being pregnant is such a huge source of hormonal turmoil and social stress, and yet a relaxing drink is the last thing I’m really allowed. Although I’m aware I oughtn’t be drinking to relax anyway. Aargh. Well, nothing worth doing is ever easy. PS it turns out that, according to my midwife who I saw two days ago,I’m only about 8 weeks pregnant. This is about a month out from what I thought, and was somehow a huge relief, and somehow a panic (because we still have ‘the option…’) Anyhoo… I’m gonna leave the rest of my hormonal griping till another day and let you folks get on with something more interesting.


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