I feel a lot of emotional pain today mostly surrounding how my "family" (brother, sisters, mother & father) have totally let me down throughout life. The only loving explaination is that they have no idea how much emotional pain I have lived with throughout the entirety of my life AND/OR, they are too sick themselves to understand. What ya gonna do…

I want so badly to start healing again and too find that place of peace and serenity that I used to be able to know. I can’t seem to bring myself to finding a hospital or therapist for getting help. I have so so much deep seated resentment. I have been carrying this resentment toward others for not reaching out to me for all my life. It is what keeps my depression where it is. I want to forgive, but I know it would be superficial, nonlasting, or simply an inadequate attempt at loving another. I have become a pillar of resentment, and it would take forever and forever again too be rid of it. Hurting and Hating take a lot of energy. More than I have to give anymore.

I’m not sure how to get the help I need. Any random therapist is probably going to be completely inadequate to the task of showing me the kind of understanding I need. Any hopsitalization is gonna be met with my own experiences as a mental health counselor (an experience loaded with feelings of cynicism for how I saw people being floated through hospital psych units, with pretty much no lasting healing effect). I want to believe they (hospitals and therapist) could help me…but I’m so convinced I’ll end up more lost, alone, hopeless, and resentful than when I started. How can I get the help I so think I need.?

I need a good nights rest and perhaps I can find a new perspective in the morning. I want to start reading again but I cannot muster the will too dig my books out of the closet. Even if I did, I fear I wouldn’t be able to sit still for very long…

I literally walk my dog hillary through my neighborhood looking for a fight. A wrong word, a funny look, any excuse I can find to lash out at someone is what I am all about these days. I have been basting in depression for way too long too extract any good out of my life.

I am in such a bad way that getting myself going towards any healing seems really really difficult. Concentration and focus are almost at a minimum. The bottled up hurt and rage have to be slowly killing me ( i frequently feel my heart aching)……………

Went to bed got a little sleep…I feel like crap…worse than yesterday.

Left a letter in my dads mail box but fear he is too sick himself too care anymore. I’m gonna tell him to remove me from his will if he ignores this last call for help. He has lived all his life banking his money so he could leave it too his kids when he is gone. It will be his proudest achievement. I don’t want his f-ing money, I want his love and understanding.  I’m going to ask for proof that he has removed me from his will and that if he does leave me anything, I am going too give it too the most undeserving black family I can find. Perhaps a murderer, or rapist…(he was a sick racist).

Saying I am going to kill myself over all of this is empty words. I have contemplated suicide for so long, that it means nothing anymore. I am too afraid of 5 seconds of pain. So since, I can’t hurt myself…I am becomming more likely to hurt others and do it in a dramatic way.

It’s all sick sh*t I know…F*CK F*CK F*CK…

I went to lay down and try and get more sleep…I awoke in a panic…It’s a cosmic joke…hahahahahhahahahahahha