I want to clean out my life…but no matter how hard I try, I am still tainted. Will that be forever? It feels like it. There is no meaning to my current life, when will I become so accustomed to this that I no longer strive for anything? I think it is soon.
Who am I? How have I defined myself solely through interactions with others? Why the fuck did I do that? Why don’t I stop? I don’t stop, because I can’t…it is a part of me, engrained in me right next to my need for people to like me. pathetic. disgusting. weak.
I want to start out fresh, but anywhere I could go I’d still carry the pain of the past in my heart. The mark of being unwanted, spurned, would linger on my forehead. How many people are there in the world that feel so unconnected? I never thought about it before but probably alot. That is no way to live a life.
The way I see things, this is MY LIFE people don’t even know the second had version of my life let alone what I’ve actually gone through. I fucking hate people who say that depressed people who kill themselves are cowards. Maybe you’re not a coward for facing up to what you really want.. for your pain to end instead of forcing a mediocre mundane existance.
I don’t want to wake up in ten years and be a nothing. I’m not trying to say I want to be a rockstar…but I want to go to law school and get a good job as a lawyer…and I look up at my resume and my B+gpa in college and my average look and demenure and I see someone that will never really make anything of herself.
All I need is a new start, the clean one that I cannot find