I can’t title this particular entry, nor record my current mood, because I have no idea what to say.  I need to write, to vent, to get some of this awful crap out of my system, but I feel so numb that I can barely put words together.

Its been a day like any other.  I woke up to both babies screaming at the top of their lungs.   I talked on the phone, changed diapers, wiped noses, wished that I was somewhere else, wished that I could be alone for just five minutes.  Tristan is being a total butthead, but then again, he’;s two years old, so I guess thats kind of like his job.  Cassie has started to get clingy.  She screams like someone is cutting one of her fingers off every time I turn my back on her.   It is really hard to fall apart when you have two people who so badly need you to keep it together.

Feeling a great deal of guilt about my oldest son, Kai.  He lives down the road with my mother.  I left him with my father and stepmother when he was a baby.  They kicked me out knowing that I couldn’t take him with me.  I slept in my car for months.   I got him back after awhile, but then I had two major breakdowns, one after another and very quickly lost him again.  I know that I’ve screwed him up very badly.  I know that he will probably never forgive me.  I know that he is happier and better off with my mother.  None of those things make me feel better, though, because I’ve failed my child, and I have to live with it.

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