How do you save yourself from completely losing it?
 
Im not moving back… over a year ago I moved out of my father’s house. Due to the nature of my current living environment and the fact that I haven’t been able to find a job that would support me living on my own, talks of going back home where serious. The thought of having to go back home brought me into deep depression. I don’t want to do it again. I gave in for the sake of my sister, and everyone evolved and agreed to go back some time ago. His terms for us going back were:
  1. I had to pay his girlfriend, $100, my sister $60 a month for room and ult.
  2. we had to pay for our own cable plus phone service
  3. we had to be in the house before 10 pm
  4. if we stayed out passed then we had to sleep over somewhere else
         all relatively deal- able until 5 and 6 comes along
  1. we would NOT have the alarm access code. Once he set the alarm we couldn’t go back out side till the next morning
  2. we could NOT have keys to the house.

So Friday I will be going back to pick up the stuff I started to move in. Im 21. I cant live like a caged animal. Living here with my grandma isn’t all-bad. Its just lonely. Sometimes I wish I can have a sense of a family. And for a while, I thought I could have that with my dad. I cant have that sense of family with him if I move back him. All that would happen is me losing a part of my self, my shine, my spirit, and I don’t think I would be able to recover from that again. So I decided to not move in. I decided to get my bed delivered to my grandmother’s house. It will cost me more living at my grandmother but at least I wont feel like I have no control over my life. I think the reason why everything’s been so fucked up lately, especially since the move is because I was never SURE if we had made the right decision. I was never sure what would have happened if we stayed, would our lives be better? I can rest easy now, and start my new life now because I KNOW we made the right decision, I know that it was time to leave. I WAS dying there. And sometimes I get so scared. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone looking over me, wishing me well and guiding me. Im just so used to people In my family talking me down, telling me their opinions and writing off mine. So for evey decision I make I promise to stand by it. I hope the choices I make now will lead me to a future that I want.

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