Okay…so if anyone has noticed my recent lack of posting blog entry's everyday or even getting online, here's an update on why, if anyone cares…I doubt it though.

So, It's been like 11 days and i'm STILL in this stupid hospital, They just had to change my IV because my other one was in for so long my vein burns and my hand is swollen from it.

I've been going through test after test, My stomach is killing me, I had stupid things shoved up my ass, I had to swallow a fucking pill-camera type thing and it wasn't even able to move out of my stomach for the test, only today is it starting to move.

Long story short, On top of all my other disorders and medical issues, I've now bee diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Nice right (Note my sarcasm)

And i've been silent through this, doing what these 'teams' of doctors want me to do, every fucking morning when they come to see 'how im doing' and asking where the fucking pain is, I point to the same place over and over trying to stay CALM.

THEN last night my mom starts to get on my case, since her and dad are taking turns staying w/me in the hospital. She says this is causing her stress, HER. and she starts getting snappy, so I tell her if i'm so god damn annoying then LEAVE.

Of course then I finally break and start crying and she's like 'stop crying'. and that's how that night went, Then this morning she apologized say she was stressed, I just nodded and told her it was okay,

But I don't really believe her fake words an apology.

So then today, had to get more blood work done, nurses coming in and out all day. and of course on no sleep, the only time I get alittle sleep is when they give me my morphine every three hours.

And these people keep bugging me to get up and try to walk around, I was forced to go to an easter egg hunt thing (even though I can't even fucking eat, although that's not anything new now is it?) and I got rained on with my wheel chair (I had trouble so they brought me back up in a wheel chair.)

I've been to this hospital so many times I know all the nurses and doctors, and yet my anxiety still gets to me. so far none of them has noticed my self-harm marks or any of that shit, and i'm just on IV fluids and not eating right now, so I don't have to worry about purging since there's nothing in my system.

Anyway, it's just crazy and i'm stuck here for god knows how much longer, It's annoying dealing with people i don't know, or those nurse students who come in with doctors and just stare at you like a project.

and then today one of the guy nurses I have (sorry i forgot his name at the moment) called me 'beautiful' you know my problem with accepting compliments, It took everything I had in me not to snap at him, I just nodded and dropped it.

So now before I go, another part that makes me wish i'd just DIE in this stupid hospital already and didn't have to deal with the world,

There's this girl names Ali, I've known her since pre-k. She's my best friend and I love her (as a sister) she's been through alot w/me and what not.

for a few months now she had been getting distant, I tried inviting over, calling her, texting her, all of that stuff. Tonight I finally text'd her asking if she was mad at me, if I did something to upset her.Telling her she's my best friend and I didn't want to make her mad,

She actually replied back this time…She's not mad, but she said we just aren't that close anymore, And just don't 'have anything in common' which is such a lie!

Things started to escalate through the test messages, I asked if we could talk about this over the phone (now you know how upset and angry I was, or else I never talk on the phone) she said no and to please stop texting and calling her,

After knowing her for that long…All we've been through, she just throws me away like the trash I know I am….She's the only one who knows about the sexual abuse other then you guys on this site…

Did she hang out w/me out of pity? and I that repulsive? GOD, i'm such an IDIOT. I'm still crying over it, I'm just blaming it on the pain so my mom doesn't nag me, But I just want to curl up and die in this hospital bed.

For someone as sweet as Ali to drop me, It just shows how worthless and how much of a burden I am. I'm nothing more then a trash heap in this place, and costing alot of money for medical problems and my parents jobs and just UGH.

One thing I know, If God has ever made a mistake…It was in creating something or someone as disgusting as myself.

3 Comments
  1. esurbb 10 years ago

    I\'m very sorry you are going through this. I know what it is liked to be poked and prodded and have things shoved up your ass. The colonoscopys, the camera swallowing, the endoscopys, the biopsies. I\'ve been through it all, but they never diagnosed me with anything. So instead they took out my gallbladder to see if that helped. Hmm…it didn\'t. I have a very close friend with Crohn\'s if you want someone to talk to about it. As for this friend Ali, I honestly don\'t know. Maybe she thinks she can\'t deal with you being so sick. Give her some time. Sheesh all of the times I was in the hospital I had a friend come maybe once. And I am there a lot. With your mom, I would probably have flipped the fuck out on her because my mother is the same way. They kinda turn things around to be about themselves.

    But what ever you do don\'t give up. There are so many young people out there going through the same thing and doing it together with the support of each other. My friend leads a normal life. She goes out, she parties, she makes the best of her situation.

    Good luck, you are beautiful, God doesn\'t make disgusting things except for maybe spiders.

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  2. Mo 10 years ago

    I do care about your blogs and you in general. Im so sorry you are going thru this [email protected] Please dont give up…God doesnt create junk. I think we all start out as beautiful people….for some like you and me; terrible things happen along the way that leave us scared. It sounds like you are truly overwhelmed (who wouldnt be). Please find a way to be kind to yourself- find something to do that makes you feel good thats healthy.
    I know what you feel about your friend…my best friend of over 20 years just dropped me….no phone call, text or explanation. It really hurt. However, time did heal.
    Stay close to us….we really do care.

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  3. duchamp 10 years ago

    i really enjoy reading all your blogs, i don\'t think i have ever replied because i can\'t find the words, i wish so much you could realise that you are not disgusting or worthless, you\'ve been dealt a fucking shit hand in life, there\'s no denying that. so, as always, i don\'t know what to say. so i will just send you my love, tell you i and most of the tribe are your friends and here for you through this, even though we are miles away and total strangers. stay strong, it won\'t be like this forever.
    sorry if this was a sucky reply.

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