but right now my mind is screaming i need someone who has social phobia and has learned to overcome it. i need to know the steps. "find a therapist" is too vague for me. it scares me just as badly as going into a crowded area or a family gathering. honestly i don't belive a therapist is going to do anything differently than any of my loved ones would do… ask me how i'm feeling… why i'm feeling that way… what can i do to make myself not feel that way… all things that make my anxiety fly through the roof.
i don't work. i'm 20 and have never had a job. money is sadly weaved into my issues. i hate that i need it for everything. the pills, the doctor visits, the therapy, the food, the clothes… all of that puts a strain on my mother. and i hate that. at 20 i need to be supporting myself. my boyfriend is doing it. hell, he was supporting his family when he started working at 17. i know. don't compare yourself to other people. so easy.
maybe its not the vagueness. maybe i am just too lazy to follow through with anything. i've known for some time now that cardio helps immensely with 'burning off' anxiety. so why am i not running? oh yeah, i hate leaving the house.
look at that… three silly paragraphs and i'm already lost in my mind. i need help… i'm not sure i want it. sometimes i think i need to hit rock bottom. i don't think i can actually hit rock bottom on these pills. i also don't think a person "like me" should be thinking about the rocky bottoms.
i can see the self-pitty in this blog post. it makes me sick. i can't handle my mind.
i don't know.
i do know i want to delete this blog.