Im still sick with fever but I can walk and do some stuff in the house, feel better than yesterday because I got some sleep. Waiting a few days then calling the doctor.
I wish I could start making better decisions for myself. It''s hard for people to help you if you dont know yourself and dont dont care about yourself.

I got to start taking better care of myself, its fact that if i dont I will have bigger health problems. I didnt even think I would be still alive at this rate but now its time to move on, I cant keep dragging myself and abusing myself. I got to make the decision of living or dying. But it is not that easy to get your life back in your control when its destroyed partly of your own fault.

I don''t blame nobody anymore. Lot''s of people go through worse and still go on and fight. I let things bring me down and made very bad decisions. I know its up to me what to make of it, I can use the experience and the things I learned to help others and do better for myself the next time. Then again not that easy. I will keep doing mistakes over and over, I''m not perfect. But I have to learn to not be too hard on myself. If it was easy I would have got through it already. One step at the time.

I was ashamed of myself to do this but I''m taking a step back from school. I not quiting just going to a lower degree. Life is too hard for me now to make it harder by doing something difficult like this. Im going to do the same thing, applied science, but starting easier going from low to high instead of high to low. I realise I dont have to be ashamed of not doing HBO, im going to the MBO it is easier for me to deal with in my situation and I can easily go back to HBO when im done in the second year. Instead of finishing in 4 years I hope I can finish in 2 years or 3 years because its MBO. Hopefully I will be a good scientist someday and write a few books. Right now im very curious about analytical pathalogy and forensic science.

I made the decisions now I got to stand by it and work my ass off to make it work. Long way to go, long way to happy.


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