If you haven’t seen my most recent post here it is;

I wake up everyday knowing it is going to be harder than the last.
I put on a smile and act like everything is perfect.
I hide my pain from the world.
I am exhausted.
I am barley hanging on.
I am numb.
I have already wrestled my way away from death twice.
I have tried to die twice.
I have flat lined and felt the peace that came with it.
I want everything to stop.
I don’t want to die.                                       I just want the pain to go away.                                                     I am struggling to hang on.                        I am desperate for anything.

I tried to commit suicide twice. Once I tried to drown myself and another I tried to overdose. I felt alone, like I was the only person in the world that felt like this. I would cut myself and punch walls to try and ease my emotional pain.

These past few months have been really hard emotionally and physically. My mother is extremely sick to the point where she has seizures and passes out. My dad works in Law Enforcement and has been sent to Washington D.C. and Portland to work the riots. I have seen him 3 times in the past 4 months. I have to help my brother with school and act like everything is okay.

I know I am not alone now but I am struggling to stay hopeful. To find reasons to live.

I have started doing more things like reading, running, coloring, and playing the piano/violin.

i am not going to let my depression and anxiety hold me down. I am going to do everything in my power to fight.

I have started to write poems about my struggles.  Here is one;

I stood on the ledge,
full of fear and despair.
My demons of darkness had driven me there.

They rip my heart,
out of my chest.
Making me think
they knew best.

They never leave;
sometimes they just hide out of sight
Waiting in my mind,
Till the time is right

My demons hurt me.
Breaking everything about my life that I knew.
They hate everything about me.
Making me hate myself too.
I stood on the ledge
About to let go
One foot went to go off.
Then I stopped and thought,
Why not try to fight them just one more time.

That is all I have for now. It will not be long before I am back to talk some more.