Hey There:

 

I am actually doing really good for the most part I went on the interview and got the job at the home health care place. Excited!

The thing is that I am having trouble letting go go if the womans comment from the running group a few months ago who told me she thought I was too thin.

I really don't feel like its all ocd/ or bdd(it does overlap though). I am more pissed off that someone commented about me in a negative way. And I am having a hard time letting it go.

I called my doc this morning about this and he said. Are you eating? I was like yeah. Then he said are you trying to lose or gain weight I said no. I said I am maintaining.

My therapist has a good sense of humor and that helps because I think at some level we both know how ridiciulous this is becoming. But then I think he was actually things about my eating habits to show that I am doing what I am normally doing. I did tell him right after the woman made the comment I tried putting on weight for about a week. Its very cliche(but true), but I was putting on the weight becaude I wanted to please her.

Part of me wants to call him back and ask him what he meant for sure with the weight questions he was asking me, but I know it wouldn't help any.

Here is the thing. When the weather got really cold here I joined a gym. I increased my running time, by quite a bit. I shred about 10 pounds within a few weeks. What happened was I able able to translate the same speed outdoors. I really think the increase time has helped me maintain my weight without changing my eating habits much.

I am still eating 3 meals a day, maybe my portions are a little smaller. But I have a runners build.

 

I hate to make this comparison, but I read it in the broken mirror(So I guess I am not the only one who does this) after the lady made the comment about thinking I was too thin. I equated it to being diagnosed with cancer. I felt shattered.

The problem is I keep find a million ways to  dissect this. The funny thing is people comment about my apperance in a postive way quite, its amazing the reasons that I can come up with that it shouldn't or I won't let it comment. To be honest its a little comical.

When I am with people I know I am fine, when I am by myself its torture. I am also having a little trouble looking at people I don't know in public and smiling as much as I use to. I keep worrying everyone is thinking my face is too thin/aneroxic. The thing is the lady who made the comment didn't really comment on my face being too thin, that is what I have narrowed in on.

And other people have told me that people are not worried about my face, they are busy with there own lives. I know, but the worry is still there.

Again like in my other post. I am happy with what I see in the mirror. That's why it is a more codependent issue.

 

I am trying to stay busy, but I biggest fear is this obsession/worry will never go away & that even though I am trying I am having a hard time letting this womans comments go.

In truth right now I am in the best phsyical shape of my life. My mind is just playing games with me.

 

Justin

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