Congrats to me. I'm finally starting to feel everything as a point blur again and it's fantastic. [/sarcasm]
When this first started when I was 14/15, I felt myself getting more and more empty, turning away from my friends to just be alone in my room, blare goth-metal/depressing songs, and write poems in my notebook. It took me a while, but I finally started climbing out of the hole I was stuck in. I was never "better", but I was getting there.
Now, I'm starting to feel like last time, but worse. I'm kinda feeling away from everyone and everything. For some reason, I'm getting more and more upset over common everyday things, and I'm starting to detest even thinking about certain people. That empty feeling is starting to go into my head, stomach, even my heart and nothing could fill it. Thinking about my boyfriend, best friends, trips coming up and acting again; Nothing's making me truly happy anymore.
It's almost like each day is just there to torment me, y'know? It doesn't bring me anything to make me cheerful. It only gives me more reasons to be down. Sure, I'm going for my driver's permit tomorrow, but that's because I have to more than want to now for family reasons. I just don't feel like I can keep it up for long without finally giving up on it like I have with certain things I thought I couldn't ever give into.
When I first was majorly depressed, I, like my family, thought it was because I was growing up, going through puberty and whatnot, but is it normal for a 14/15 year old to imagine killing themselves once or twice? I knew it was more than just a stage of development, but… I feel like it's completely beyond my control now and I don't know what to do. I'm losing some of my memory of recent events, I randomly upchucked/blacked out at the movies, and I feel like crying sometimes just to make myself feel better from being blue. This hasn't ever happened to me before, and I'm starting to wonder how much longer will I have to be sad and scared until I can finally get away from it all. I tried to make it go away for a while, and even my mother agreed to it, but when the time came to try to escape, she held me back, saying my idea of staying away was great but whoever could house me for a week wasn't good enough.
I don't wanna go off the deep end and attempt to off myself. I know it's not good to do, try, or succeed, but sometimes I sit back and realize I'm running out of options and I even said out loud that it might be better to just not have to deal with it anymore. I'm terrified that I might do something stupid, and I don't want to go in that direction. But considering I feel like I'm being cut off from the outside world bit by bit, it's kinda like I'm starting to lose everything I live for: My friends, opportunities, fun, and my life…
Having depression for over a year isn't working out for me. I want it to stop, but I don't know how. I feel like crying, but I just can't let out the tears. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, but there's always someone there to scold me. I feel like running away, but there's always people to hold me back. I feel like dying, but I'm too afraid of Death.
How much longer will I have to live in fear? Is it ever going to leave me alone? Do I have to live with this until it finally ends one way or another?