Then Monday comes along. OH BOY. What has happened before is nothing compared to this day. I went to bed worrying about having to go to the Waitakere community law centre the next day. Thinking i might not wake up in time to catch the right train. I wake up real early and have something to eat. Which is my habit. Just eating for the sake of eating in the morning. My daily dose of carbs. Sticky but hard grains of rice. Crunchy. Chew chew chew. I wake up too early. June is still sleeping. I don’t want to go to the city by myself. I know i am not going to catch the right train. Should i go should i not go should i go should i not go.. while half asleep waiting for sister. She is about to leave. I think, i might as well go. Everything worked out well. Counselling appointment was in the afternoon. I had no pressure to finish early as i quit my job. Once at the city, i see words like community on the back of the bus. This is a sign telling me to go. I am already here anyway. My sister has the money for my train fare. We are in time for the later train. So i catch the train and get to Henderson. I have been here before. I can find the place again. It is somewhere close. I just take the route that seems familiar. But i see the public library. I thought this was the right place last time. But it was not. It was the wrong route. I followed the wrong route again. So i backtrack. I am lost. I guess i should take my map out and look. Time is ticking and i am already 30 mins late. I feel like sushi, or hot food or Chinese takeaway or bread. Then someone waves to me. she is a tall, stout, pretty but proud, confident girl in dreadlocks from Greenpeace. She has a bit of an accent that makes her seem exotic and different. She asks me about Greenpeace and i smile and let her know i support their cause. She explains to me what they do. I politely listen. But it is getting longer and longer. I start looking over her shoulder and where i must go. But i don’t want to be rude. She starts her real talk. Sign up and become a supporter. You just pay whatever amount you like regularly. I support their cause but not today. I am late already. Well that’s great she says. You are late already. Now you have a perfect excuse. You were being hassled by a Greenpeace activist. Oh my god. She is becoming annoying. How can she be so uncaring about someone with a map trying to find a place when she is lost and already late? The girl looks young and poor and sad. Does she not care? Bitch. Let me go. I don’t have money. It’s ok, she says, i know all about being a part time student. You can reduce the amount of money you pay at any time. Bitch. Let me go. Not today. I have to go. I put my head down and try and find the place. Tears well up. She knows something is wrong. Her tone changes to something funny. Not kind. She is like, well do you know where you have to go? I said i don’t know. I tried to be normal. I can’t. I tell her i will figure it out. I keep my head low and quickly cross the road. It happens to be green light. Thank god. She says sarcastically, well thanks for your time anyway. I want to say sorry for wasting your time. Bitch. Crying gains momentum. Right, i am definitely not going to that community law centre now. I go to that public library. I sit down. I look at my phone and think about who i can contact. Starting to panic. I text my sister. Wanna have an early lunch? Oh my god she is not replying straight away. She always replies straight away. Neither does Dee, Cis, Sigrid. The toilet door is locked and i must ask at the desk for a key. Stuff it. I really need a tissue to blow my nose. I go to Gloria jeans and get a chai latte. Never had such bad chai latte. But i get the tissue i was looking for. I actually had to ask for it. It’s not freely available like the satchets of sugar. How stupid. The f#cking Chinese guy only gives me one. That is not enough to blow my nose for god’s sakes. But i don’t wanna ask again. So i leave. I walk slowly back to the train station. I sit at the corner of a bench. I thoroughly feel sorry for myself. Debating whether to go new market or city. Suddenly this kiwi girl passes by me and says surprised and alarmed, ‘are you ok?’ yeah, i say, but obviously i am not because i start crying out loud. It is uncontrollable. I can’t stop. My sister happens to ring me then. Luckily i have someone to talk to otherwise i would have had a whole lot of strange people come up to me to see what they can do. My sister knows now. There is something wrong with me. just wanna get everything out. After i calmed down a bit, i stop talking on teh phone. This man beside me from Croatia starts talking to me. why are you crying? i think i have depression. Oh that’s bad. You know that thing. What? You know depression. Oh yeah. Why don’t you just say the word. he sits kind of opposite me on the train. It is harder to hear him and harder to concentrate and understand him. He is starting to annoy me when he asks me for my number and insist i get his down as well. Go for a pizza. Thank god i am meeting my sister and then i have an appointment with my counsellor. Ok tomorrow then. Yeah maybe. Yeah right in your dreams. You are like 50. I really appreciate you but i wish you had just stopped before asking for my number.
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