I’m nearing the end of my five days back home. Tomorrow is fly out day and I can’t wait to get back to work. Here’s a summary of what happened in my five days off.

I returned home on Wednesday night and was picked up by sister 1 at the airport. I hadn’t spoken to her since I’d left for work despite the messages she was leaving for me on Facebook. On Monday I got a message saying “I’m picking you up from the airport”. So then she picked me up from the airport. Complicated.

I had dinner with my sister and my grandma and caught up with my poor little cat Molly. She isn’t looking well, but she started eating when I was there. After an awkward dinner there I finally returned home. Both my housemates were home when I got there. I said a quick hello which would have been twenty words or less. After I unpacked my laptop I checked on my two little rats Gen and Nel. They seemed content and remembered who I was.

I only lasted about 10 minutes in that house before I had enough. I strapped on my shoes and went for a walk. My walk consisted of going to the park and collapsing in a heap underneath a hockey goal. I stayed there for about an hour, and when I finally came home again my housemate A was in bed and housemate B was watching television. I ignored housemate B and went to my room. I had received two text messages – one from each housemate. They both said “Are you ok?”.

As I finally gave up and went to clean my teeth for bed housemate B caught me. She explained that she had been taking antidepressants for eight years but somehow that wasn’t very comforting news.

I just put my two rats on my desk and they freaked out and came running back to my shoulders. Aw.

The next day I woke at six in the morning. I didn’t want to move around the house so I read a couple of books. “A lesson before dying” and “The turn of the screw”. Housemate A left for work at around eight, and I left my room at around nine. I had poppadums for breakfast (since I had no milk in the fridge and I feel bad using my housemates stuff). I had another conversation with housemate B before she left the house. About 40 words I’d imagine. Then I had to go to the GP’s for a checkup. “No doc. The drugs aren’t doing anything yet”.

I received my shiny new mental health plan. According to the paperwork I have chronic major depression and am at moderate risk of committing suicide. Oh and there’s a wee bit of resentment toward my father somewhere as well. Awesome. That’ll be 12 free sessions thanks.

After I got back from the doctors I didn’t want to do anything – I’d promised to clean the rat cage but I’d lost motivation. When my mobile rang I knew it was my sister. When I heard a knock on the front door I knew it was my sister. When I heard a knock on the back door I realised that I hadn’t locked it and had to answer the door lest she came wandering into my house. I sat her down at the kitchen table and politely told her I didn’t want to speak to her. She went away.

She came back an hour later with a sandwich. I ate the sandwich and she held the rats while I cleaned the cage. Then I gave my two girls their first bath – not bad swimmers either. Then my sister finally left me alone.

I started drinking at five in the afternoon with a few mates from work. We kept drinking until some more people arrived at the pub, then we all went out for dinner at a Mexican place. I was too drunk to heed the warnings of the waiter about the chilli sauce, and thankfully I wasn’t sober enough to feel the brunt of it. I ended up quietly excusing myself while I threw up a large quantity of chilli sauce in the back of the restaurant. I don’t think anybody noticed. Then we moved on to another pub. Along the way I was merrily drinking from the bottle of wine I had procured prior to dinner. We drank until midnight and then I felt exhausted. I was falling asleep in the corner when I decided to go home.

The next morning my tongue was still burning from the chilli sauce and my head was about to explode. Beer, then wine, then back to beer. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT?!? Anyway it was nice wine and I gave my fancy beer glass away. In the morning I chatted to sadrn. I do appreciate that. It kept me going that day.

I was supposed to go out with my sister to play supagolf (small golf – NOT mini golf) but it was raining and we ended up going to Hungry Jacks instead. I went out and saw “The Savages” (great movie) and I stayed at my sister’s place for tea. When I got home I went to the back of my car and tried to sleep. The back of my car was uncomfortable so I ended up back inside after a few hours. I finished off my bottle of A'bunadh and wept (I’ll miss that whisky).

The next morning I pruned the roses. I saw housemate A as she was leaving the house. She said she wouldn’t be able to make it for lunch. Another 15 words. I had lunch with my sister, housemate B and one of her friends. I didn’t speak much.

That afternoon my sister and I played supagolf with her old housemate. We get along pretty well. I had a brief text message conversation with her as I was making ramen for myself that night. The ramen was good, but I eventually freaked out and went back to the park. I sat under the same hockey goal until I realised that nobody cares that you aren’t home and it was a crap way to bring attention to yourself. When I got home I got stuck into a bottle of Bowmore’s (awful stuff really). I sat in my room in the dark. When all my housemates arrived back home I got up and turned off all the lights. Everybody was home now.

Sunday morning I was determined to go outside and go for a jog. But it was raining. So I jumped in the car and drove about 120kms north. I sat in the car for 45 minutes then I turned around and drove back. I made chilli sauce that afternoon, but I added too much sugar. Housemate B came home from church and starting talking to me about a dating book she had been given. She was appalled that the book suggested she lower her expectations. If I wasn’t so depressed I would have pissed myself laughing at her arrogance. It was the second most inconsiderate mood I have even seen her in, she was talking to me but she barely acknowledged my presence.

After I had finished making my chilli sauce I bottled it and took a nap. When I woke up housemate B was gone and housemate A was back in the house. I managed to sneak out without speaking to her and walked around the park for a few hours. I knew if she saw me she would ask if I was going to church. I came back home once I was certain she had left for church without me.

Then I grabbed a bottle of Bushmill’s and started watching a movie. I don’t remember the end of the movie. I don’t remember hearing housemate B come home. I remember housemate A walking into the room and asking “Have you had a bit to drink?”.

I managed to say “A little” before I broke down in tears. I couldn’t control myself. My housemate must have been quite shaken and before I knew it my sister walked into the room, sat on the floor and hugged me. She must’ve been called by my housemate. They tried to get me to eat, since I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I told my sister to fuck off and she left me alone.

I woke up at 4am with a bit of a headache. I tried to sleep until eight and then got up. The bottle of Bushmill’s had about half a shot left in it. It was almost full the night before. I didn’t feel anywhere near as bad as I did on Friday morning. Good thing I never switch from whisky to wine.

I was about to leave the house to get some Gatorade and paracetamol when my sister knocked on the back door. She drove me around for the morning trying to cheer me up. It didn’t really work. She wants to see my mental health plan but I refused.

When I got home I had a shower. I still haven’t spoken to either of my housemates about last night. My sister says she is going to come around at five to check on me. I need to finish this quickly so I can run off to the park.

I’ve got about three more hours before I can go to bed and finally start heading back to work. I’ve got to clean out the cage for the girls, and I’m hoping I can do it before my housemates get home. I don’t feel like talking to them at the moment.

All I’ve managed to do in my time off is scare everybody that cares about me. I’m useless.

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