Unknown feelings today. As I sat there talking with my Step PaPa, I could see he wanted to cry. Why? Don’t cry, not over me. He wanted to cry cause he and Mum are moving. He loves me I know. And I love him…. but only as much as I can. I will never love anyone so much as to make it easy to hurt me. I hated myself. I felt so bad. But I have to protect myself right? I can’t…I wont be hurt again. I hate these feelings. These Hated emotions. I cried today. I don’t know why. Lately I have cried alot. But today was different. I was day-dreaming and Somthing in my day dream made me cry. I feel so Lonely. It hurts so bad. I want to have someone who will hold me as my bitter tears flow down my cheeks in a torrent of unspent sorrow. Someone to smooth my hair back and I cling tightly to them. I want someone to be my rock. And yet, Im terrified. If I have that then that means I’ll be opening myself up to a possible pain much worse than anything I’ve ever felt. I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I can let myself freely express my feelings to another like that, with the possiblity of rejection. I mean who wants a psycho girlfriend who cries half the time, goes into unprovoked rages the next, and is afraid to ever let herself be happy? Who wants a girl who one minute will hug them and the next, out of knowwhere clobber them because of an over whelming need to hurt the nearest thing? God how I hate this life. But I don’t want to end it yet. Not just yet. Maybe…. one day….I wont be afraid to be a fool.

Blessed Be!!!

~Lana

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