Well, I blogged about this stupid obsession I am going through and I still feel frustrated today because I can't seem to be satisfied with just a few words. I would like it to be better, so that I can stop obsessing. I was telling God today that the chances of him and I ever getting together, even if it's just for a conversation outside the computer is impossible. God answered "nothing is impossible." However, I still believe that it is impossible because we are worlds apart. He lives a totally different lifestyle than I do, he's married and how would he care for someone like me. I am sure that if he saw me, he would, probably, turn his head. I mean nothing to him. I am frustrated because I am such a loving, giving, caring person that I wish people would look at me for who I really am, not just my appearance. I don't dream about him, and that is good. I just wish I could get close to him and talk. I really think he is a handsome man, but I would just like to talk with him, pick his brain. This weekend has been horrible for me. I just keep on feeling this desire to see him in person and talk to him. I don't mean anything sexual, because God knows how depression medication cuts off most of any sexual desire one can have. I just would like to see him and talk with him. I can't get him out of my mind, although I do try. When you just know somethings are impossible, you just know. God says "nothing is impossible." I respect my Higher Power and what he promises, but I just can't see the forest for the trees. Funny thing, though. I saw a picture of him yesterday where he was sort-of sitting down and he looks like he is not that slim as I would have expected him to be. That was strange, because I didn't like it. Who am I to say about being "paunchy?" I am fat and that's the way it is. However, when I saw his picture I was a little turned off. Hahahahaha… I don't know anymore whether I was expecting him to be different, but he has a muffin top. I am sure I could get over that being as I am fat. I am praying a lot about this because I want to get this out of my mind. In my previous blog, I mentioned I had an obsession with Michael Keaton, the actor. That lasted a long time before my brain finally said "enough!" ~ I was able to move forward and forget that. That is what I want to see happen again. There really isn't anything worse than having an obsession over a person that you don't really know, that is almost impossible to meet and yet, your brain tells you "don't give up." I am just going to see this through and maybe my befuddled mind might, at some point say "enough!" on this guy. I have to just keep at it, wishing it away, but at the same time, wanting it. That is such madness. I am doing my best to take this and put it in a shelf and forget about this, but my mind plays tricks on me. Whenever I see his picture, I just melt. No one, of my friends and family, know how I truly feel. I can't discuss this with anyone. If I did, they would say that I am crazy. BUT, I am not crazy, I am just in wrong-thinking. If, in the future, I do meet him, by some miracle, I would like it to be without the obsession. I would like it to be that I can handle seeing him and being with him on another level. I haven ot seen a picture of his wife, but she is the luckiest woman on the planet when it comes to having such a heart-stopper in her bed at night. I don't hate her. That's good, because nothing would gained by my hating her. I am not that way. I just want this obsession to leave me and I guess I am still going to have to pray a lot before I see results. It is a fact that I want what I want, but it's really never going to happen. I know that God says what He says, but I can't see it. That is the obsession. Like I saidm in my previous blog, I don't want to stalk him because that is against the law and it would serve no purpose. I am not crazy, I am just obsessed. OCD comes and goes with me. I have had this all my life. I get bouts of OCD and then, when I least expect it, it goes away. It's sort of like being in chains, carrying this big ball around with me. At some point it has to stop. I am hoping that it stops soon, because I am only hurting myself. I am aware of that. So, another day in paradise. The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This blog is a release from the daily pain I get of not seeing this become a reality. Oh well… we'll see what happens.

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