Life for me has become so boring. I live with my boyfriend and his parents and none of them have lives. They don't do anything! It's really hard to have fun with them when they have nothing to say.
The thing is, before I moved in with my boyfriend I felt like my life was great. But now I have lived with them for almost 2 years it seems like I've actually slid into this mundane life they've always been a part of.
I want to get away so badly. But I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I just feel like I would be a horrible person to leave. But I don't feel connected with him anymore; I don't even feel connected to myself. He says he loves me and everything, and I believe him, but he treats me more like a best friend than a girlfriend and when I try to talk to him about the way he treats me he just gets angry.
I don't have any clue who I am anymore; It's almost as if I've been trying so hard to make my boyfriend happy that I've lost sight of what makes me happy. But I know that I need to get away, before I lose my mind. I'm seriously scared that I'm going to go insane and end up in a mental instutution, and considering the contrast of who I was and who I am now, it wouldn't be much of a surprise to me.
I'm just so bored!!! All the time. Nothing excites me. My laugh sounds strange to me, like I'm forcing myself to laugh when I feel it is needed. Maybe I am too smart for my own good. I wish I could be stupider like I used to. I wish I didn't go around and analyze everything! I analyze the way people look at me, "Does that mean she thought what I said was funny" "Is he looking at me like that because he thinks I'm retarded"- Just a few examples.
I honestly believe that my mom is worried about me because she cares about me, but I also fear that she just thinks I'm annoying. She tries to help, but I guess I dont' let her in too much, and it probably frustrates her. I just want to start all over… If I had a 2nd chance I would have done things so differently, and I would be so happy right now.
I can't get away though, I mean, I can't see a way to get away. I could just leave Zach, but his family says I'm part of the family now. I don't feel like part of the family; I never really ever felt like I was anything like any of them. But they would all hate me, and what if I leave and then realize it was a mistake and then I can't go back? I'm just so scared of what my choices will lead to. I always thought that I made pretty good choices, but look at where I am now. There's so many choices I want to make, but I'm so scared, because I want everyone to be happy, and to like me, but right now I don't like myself, and I don't know how to fix that… I just want to feel like a human being again…
This probably just sounds like "Blah, Blah, Blah" to most people, or it probably sounds liek I'm just complaining. I dont' even know anymore. I dont' know if I'm unhappy because I'm just flat-out a brat and I don't appreciate what I have, because to me sometimes that seems what it is, so I look up ways to be optimistic despite bad circumstances and I tell myself that I am strong, and I can do anything, but in the end I feel like I'm lieing to myself.
What happens if there comes a day where no one in the world likes me at all?
I'm so tired of being scared. I try to look up ways to get over fear but all they ever say is to just get over it. What if I'm not strong enough to just get over it? I don't want to be or feel this way anymore.
I already know that one day, if nothing gets better, that I will kill myself. I can't keep living like this.