I've come down with strep throat or mono. The doctors of course gave me pain killers which I went through in a day. I'm not recovering addict, I want to be, but I haven't found the strength yet. Saturday I came down with strep (well the test was negative but mine are always negative until 4 days into it so I end up suffering) so the doctor prescribed me anti biotics and norcos. The norcos were gone in two days. Here I am 5 days later buying pain killers off the street. Usually the 2nd day on antibiotics my throat is better, and it's not, so I have a follow up appointment tomorrow morning because it may be mono.

I HATE my tolerrence in so high. I'm broke because a normal prescription doesn't last the length it should, ever. Like when I am in real pain (which my migraines and back pain I usually am) but I just can't take the same amount others do. The prescription says 1 every 4 hours and I have to take 10 to feel any relief. I hate it so much.

When I was 22 I went to a new doctor and he handed me Soma and Vicodin out like it was candy. 40 Vicodins a week, and I don't even remember how many Soma. I got addited, dependent…whichever you'd like to call it. I've had these headaches since puberty which was 15 years ago. I have been to so many doctors tried SO many different things, spent thousands of dollars. The pain pills were all that worked, and still to this day. I hate my tolerence. When I am in pain and "need" pain killers from doctors…I can't say "hey I'm an addict, mind giving me more so I can actually get through it?" I'm honestly telling that doctor tomorow morning. When I called the nurses & receptionists were so rude. They were treating me like I was a junkie. Maybe I am a junkie. But I DO have physical pain.

I can't even talk to anyone around me about it. My sweetheart of 5 years knows, but he's it and it is a very sore subject because his cousin whom he was very close to died of a drug overdose. I have friends, but they don't understand, if you've never experienced it…you can't do anytihng but judge and they don't understand how difficiult it is. My mother and I have a horrific relationship and she already calls me a drug addict because I get xanax (30) a month, and those are for my panic attacks that I DO get..mostly because of her. She says things to me like I make her not want to live, and that she wishes I weren't her daughter. She thinks if I mess up or if I don't do something right it's to spite her. She breaks my heart. I've said nasty things back but I've grown thansk to me my sweetheart's mother whom has helped me better myself and is just an amazing woman. She's helped me walk away and taught me that I do not have to participate in any arguement. Still, my mom's words hurt. I could never confide in her considering she's already considered me an addict and the way she looks down on addicts, the way society looks down on addicts is just so scary. I've thought about going to meetings but I am so afraid of running into someone I know. Then again…they're going through the same thing I am.

I don't mean to be all gloomy. I have a wonderful boyfriend that treats me like a princess, 4 dogs (3 at mine and my parent's house) and 1 dog at my babe's house. I love them to death. 2 of the ones at mine are my boyfriend's and mine, his parents bought the puppies for us for Christmas 2 Christmas' ago. They are long haired mini dachshunds. They are the light of my life.The other dog that lives with me is a mixed hound that I rescued down in college when i was going through a rough time. The dogat my boyfriend's house is a short haired Dachshund and she's just a cutie. His family got her 4 summers ago and when he moves out she's coming with, so we'll have 3 dachshunds! They sure are an addicting breed.

I just got a job that is work from home I am really excited about because with my headaches and depression I am kind of on my own schedule. The only downfall are benefits which I lose April 30th because I turn 26 so I get kicked off my mother's. Which reminds me, I need to start researching…..time is greatly running out.

This is long, but I thought I'd tell myself since I have a few readers and thank you so much. I need support more than ever. I can't continue using pain killers. I always justify it, but I wish this sore throat would go away and I could find a solution to my daily headaches and weekly migraines. They are stress related and interesting enough when I take xanax on a daily basis I don't get headaches or back pain, but…another addictive drug. I'm a "quick fix" and imptient person…

I hope I get a better anti biotic and I feel better by Saturday. It's my birthday and we are going to a casino. I can't wait but I cannot be feeling this way. Oh, I also dabble in marijuana and wish they'd legalize it because I am allergic to alcohol. I don't feel addicted to marijuana at all though. I don't remember the last time I smoked, I just enjoy it from time to time.

This is a lot. I hope it's not super boring….I just really need a place where I can say what I need to, say anything. vent and get it all out of my head.

Goodnight!!

PS I can't find a spellcheck and I type fast so I apologize for my grammatical errors.