So as I made the adventure into adulthood last Saturday, I got my first tattoo two days later. A giant fuckin cross on my back. Looks pretty damn cool.
As I was sitting there for an hour and a half talking to my artist, Poohki, I started to wonder the things we were talking about. His kids, his family, my family. Somehow, we both got onto the subject of knowing someone in our family who has cancer. My brother's dad, (my half dad) has stage four brain, lung, lymph node, and liver cancer. He has a hole in his intestine and is so weak he can barely stand and dress himself. It's been a strange experience, going through that. I don't know whether to feel sad, or even how I should feel. It's my brother's dad … he isn't my birth father … but I feel like he's still apart of me. My brother is so depressed it kills me to see him. Nobody knows that I feel that way. It's all internalized. I feel like all those feelings are not welcome … like they aren't allowed to be felt. That's the thing about pain though, it's demanded to be felt.
Is it just me or do you tell things personal things to your tattoo artist you wouldn't tell normal people?
That brings me to the drugs. The second tattoo I want is on my wrist. I want it to be an infinity symbol with the words "Kia Kaha" under it. (It means forever strong in hawaiian) Poohki and I talked about that also. Things like what it meant and why I wanted it. Why I want it? Well, as I was trying to and still am trying to remain sober … that phrase has always stuck in the back of my mind. Somehow, I still can't get the memory of what happend the night of February 5th out of my head. Everytime I go to MOA or Minneapolis, the memory pops back up. It's a ver unwanted memory – which makes me wonder – Have I really gotten over what happend? Have I REALLY forgiven myself for what I did? Which leads me to the answer of no. I would explain this on here, but knowing that it is the internet makes me wonder WHO will see it.
Even if you do repent of your sins, (If you believe in God) can you fully forgive yourself for something? But then again, if you repent of your sins, and you TRUELY repent of them, but you still haven't forgiven yourself … have you REALLY repented of them? Things I wonder…
#72 days and counting.
Congrats on the 72 days and the new tatoo 🙂
I'm guessing Feb 5th was 72 or more days ago. Am I right?
Congrats on your first tattoo – it too can be an addictive experience – I have 11.
My experience has been that you can never forgive your past only God (my God) can forgive that stuff. I need to accept my past for what it is (past) and move on. Always making an effort to not repeat the stuff I have asked forgiveness for.