It’s only sometimes, I swear. 

Watching: Haikyuu

It’s called bulimia, or so I’ve heard. But, I don’t have that, trust me. It’s only sometimes. When I feel full, I feel disgusting. I hate the feeling of the food just sitting there in my stomach, adding to the extra skin. I’m not necessarily fat- I just have too much fat, if that makes any sense. Too much extra belly fat and arm fat and thigh fat. I often skip meals and only eat once a day, so it’s not like I’m always full. Sometimes though, I just can’t help it.

I wouldn’t call it an addiction. I wouldn’t say I like it, the throwing up, though I wouldn’t say I hate the feeling. When the bile comes up, sometimes it feels refreshing, no matter how many tears flow from my eyes or how much my hands are shaking. Sometimes I have to shove my fingers so far down my throat because nothing will come up that I don’t think it’s worth it. Other times I force it and then it feels so good when it finally comes. Sometimes I gasp and choke for air and cry and wonder why I do it to myself. Other times I just do it, wash my hands, brush my teeth, and walk away.

It’s disgusting, I know, and I know it’s wrong. I just can’t stand the full feeling anymore. I started around a year ago and haven’t told anyone but my best friend, who didn’t think much of it, honestly. It’s gotten worse since I told her though. Maybe she’d be more concerned with how it’s gotten.

So what have we learned today? Making yourself throw up isn’t cool, but sometimes you just can’t help it, no matter how hard you try. Man, I’m fucked up. Sometimes you don’t see how much is wrong with you until you write it all out. Until next time, I guess ♦

4 Comments
  1. brettlea94 2 months ago

    Hey there. Our culture has a heavy influence over how we view ourselves and our bodies. Try and remember, if you can, when you were 4 or 5 years old. I remember not really caring about what people thought of how I looked. Almost no one does at that age. We go through a process called “enculturation” as we start getting older. This is where we learn informal cultural norms and rules in our society. In the United States, one of those informal norms is to appear “perfect.” If you wanna be “happy,” appear “perfect.” It’s terrible that our society endorses that. Lately, there seems to be a transformation in that societal influence. For example, many clothing stores shoe models that appear more “real.” They don’t show unrealistic views of people ( male or female). Fitness magazines seem to be reducing the “immortal god like” views of fitness regimens. Now, they are showing the evidence of fitness results with more realistic images, physiological health, and mental health. You do not have to be ashamed of anything or feel bad for being human. Maybe try to learn to accept yourself fully for who you are. You don’t have to look perfect to be amazingly happy and content with yourself and life. If you want to be healthier or fitter, try learning some exercise and nutrition plans that work for you. There are an endless amount of ways to do things. So many companies want us to think there way is the “only” way. That’s what sells “their” products and services. Today, we have so many effective tools, plans, programs etc. Honestly, just having a habit of walking 30-45 minutes 4-5 days a week is underrated. Take a dog on a walk for 4-5 days a week for 30 min. Honestly, fitness is addicting. At first, nee things can be tougher. But not because the tasks are tough. It’s because it is new. It takes time for us humans to adapt and change. I’m a fitness fiend most of the time, but I also know that I don’t have to be crazy about it. If I want to take a week or two off, I will. It’s about making healthy habits apart of our identity. (Who we are). Who are you? Who do you want to be? You can be someone who loves what they do and who they are. And you will. :). Have a great day.

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  2. hey-its-me 2 months ago

    Hey there, I struggle with something similar, so maybe we could support each other, or I could support you? Just a suggestion. And if not, just know that you aren’t alone, and that you are beautiful no matter what. Your vulnerability to share this just shows how beautiful you really are.

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    • Author
      canice 2 months ago

      It sounds like we could both use a support system. Supporting each other sounds incredible, thank you for reaching out.

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  3. hopeispresent 2 months ago

    I totally understand. I definitely relate. It’s something I have to work on. We all have to fight our battles. I have battle scars but they dont define me. I’m always here to help and support you and I ask if you can return the favor. You can hmu or if you have snap my snap Is hopeispresent. It’s specifically for cases like this. Good luck my friend with your battle.

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