I don’t think I’m worth it. Worth what? Anything. Growing up my parents were always in a fight about my dads infidelity. My parents would scream and yell in the house where in the beginning as a an innocent child I would try to stop them but as I got older I plugged my earbuds in and tried hard not to remember how shitty my life is. They would even involve me in it where my dad brought on trips with his girlfriend and tell me to keep it a secret, so as a young girl I was stuck in between all of it. My mom would put me on the spot and ask who I would pick. I shouldn’t have to do that as a 10 year old. My dad left us for a whole month and him and my mom were suppose to have dinner to discuss what was to happen but my mom dragged me along to guilt trip him or something. I would stick in a family where my dad did not respect my mom and they would fight on all our trips to the point where I hated being around them. In sixth grade to seventh grade I developed severe depression as I had no friends at all. My dad left. Besides that I grown to eat as an outlet so I gained weight. I was overweight. My parents didn’t let this go as They degraded me and called me names, and gave me nasty looks. My mom would ask if I was even human or that I am worse than a dog or I am a Bastard. My dad on the hand was worse. In the middle of night he would knock so hard on my door I thought it would break just so he can yell at me and call me a bug and a embarrassment. He would constantly remind me that I wasn’t pretty and that no one else looked like me. He would call me a pig. And EVERYTIME a skinny women walked past he would sigh and said “look at her and look at you”. I began to be scared to talk to him because if I say something it’ll circle back to my weight despite me not mentioning my weight. He would mention under his breath he was too embarrassed to show me to his friends. Everything diminished my self worth.Everytime I felt like I was building myself back up and loving myself again. They would do something and I found myself having to fix myself all over again because I have no one to fix me. No parents, no friends that I’m willing to talk to about, no siblings, no one. I have myself and I don’t think I’m worth it anymore to keep trying. I got better when I started high school because I met friends who distracted me but again my parents knocked me down. One time on my way out of the house my dad made a comment “Look at you. You’re so fat and ugly.” I was shock and I expected my mom to defend me. I needed it. But instead she agreed. And I started bawling and breaking down rushing out the house. I got on the bus bawling my eyes out as everyone stared. I couldn’t stop because then and there it was real that I had no one. I couldn’t tell anyone because to everyone of my friends I’m this strong girl who doesn’t cry. But little did they know I ran to the bathroom when I got to school and cleaned myself up so they didn’t know. Everyone thinks I have a perfect life but I don’t. My family is toxic. I’m not worth it and I’m really on the edge. No one pulling me in and I don’t know if I want to be pulled in. My grandma died and I didn’t k is how react because I got so good at hiding my emotions that it hurt to know that I wasn’t able to cry about my grandma. So much shit happens in school that I can’t even talk to anyone about. And before anyone says to tell my parents how I feel, don’t because they invalidate my emotions saying I’m petty for remember such small details or if I’m upset why am I fat? Or I told them I want to kill my self and my mom said she did too because I was like this. I learned to hide my emotions so well because I know if parents don’t care no one would. I need someone who will tell me I’m worth it that I’m not useless or ugly. I need some one to tell me it’s okay. I need someone to understand. But I have myself and it’s not enough. I think once I graduate high school I will invest in a therapist because I don’t want to hold this lifelong baggage with me.

1 Comment
  1. SullenGirl76 7 months ago

    There is this vast misconception that members of your family should be given free passes simply because they are related to you. I don’t subscribe to that. I also had a crappy childhood – verbally abusive mom, verbally (and otherwise) abusive dad. I had no outlets growing up outside of the one friend I had at school – who was *only* my friend *at school* (because my mom was too scary for other, more responsible parents to trust being around their kids). Anyway, I can relate a lot to your post. I also have body image/weight management issues, all stemming from being a little kid and trying to fill a void I didn’t understand with the one thing I could count on always having available to me (food).

    If you ever need support, please feel free to drop me a line. Sometimes just knowing another person *gets* what you’re going through can help.

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