It is so frustrating, you think you have something licked and the urges come back. Lately I’ve been having the urge to pick up some old habits, some bad habits. some things I told myself I was done with and would not do again. I worked hard to give them up to stop them and I have until this point been proud of myself. I Use to self medicate like so many of us do or did. I use to get high to numb the stress and the pain. It’s been four and a half years clean. but lately, god, lately it’s been on my mind alot, the way it felt, god i want it so bad, and that makes me so mad. I don’t drink either. I use to drink all the time alot but its been four years for that too and every other day I think to myself God i could use a stiff drink…leave the bottle. Last but cerinly the worse. I am a recovering cutter. It’s been two and a half years since the last time i self harmed. I have been doing so bad lately and getting worse. My BF left his flipping hacksaw ontop of the fridge and when i opened the freezer door it fell on me. I threw up my hands to protect myself but it sliced through my hands. God it hurt so bad at first, and i washed away the blood and bandaged myself up and I felt better, i felt releaf. The same way i use to when I cut myself. the pain had taken away from the way i was feeling and as much as my hands hurt i actually felt better. now all i can think of is cutting muself again. God i though i had it beet.  I just want to cry, cut, pour myself a vodka, and smoke a joint until i’m so hooped i can’t remember my name.

God i’m so weak.