My moods are out of control.  I get so lonely, and upset, so quickly, and out of nowhere.  Charlie’s bad about taking care of everything, even the things he knows are really important.  (He’s reliable about working his job, which is a big deal, but he’s a total slug outside of that – and, I dont just mean housework, or socializing.  I mean crucial paperwork, and stuff like that.)  I had to sit down and take care of his tax debt for him (doing most of the paperwork myself, and making him put down his guitar, and forcing him to fill out the parts that he needed to fill out).  He needs to call the insurance, and sort that shit out.  How do I make him see how crucial this is, and that he really needs to do it?  He’s keeping me in a really dark place by refusing to get on it, such that I can see a doc, and get my psych meds.  I’m terrified of these drugs, but he and I both know I’m not right, and I can’t out-think my madness on my own.

I try to get us straightened out, and he seems about it, in theory, but…  when it comes down to getting it done…  it’s not like he’s the only one who messes up, but lately…  I’ve felt like he’s holding us back.  I’m sure I’ve been the one doing that, at some point.  I can’t remember doing it anytime recently, but I’m sure I have, at some point (probably more than one point).  But, right now…  I’m fighting for me, and for us, by trying to see this through.  And, I think he’s so hurt, by what happened, and so afraid (of what’s to come, and of facing his problems, without the drug to hide behind) that he’s hedging.  Not in an obvious way…  it’s not like he’s saying he can’t let go.  He just says or does these subtle things to sabotage us.  Or, he might just come out and ask if I want to (which we both know not to ask)…  depending on the moment, and how desperate he feels…  so, our progress hasn’t been what it should be. 

This is how it looks:  I’ll have to be the strong one, and display no doubt for him to pick at or feed into (b/c if I’m adamant, he’ll keep his mouth shut, not wanting to mess it up for me, but if I give him a whiff of hesitation…  he’ll be all over it), and if I can’t do that…  then, we can’t do this together.  I don’t mean in the long term (because that remains to be seen), but as far as the kick goes…  the three or four days of feeling sick and obssessed, even when you take all the right meds to cut through your symptoms (b/c nothing cuts through all of it)…  I’m gonna try, one more time…  this weekend…  to see this through, with him…  but, if he doesn’t seem committed to the task at hand…  if he sabotages us…  or, we just feed off each other, and can’t get it done…  I have to go stay with Jordan for a little while.  Or Maggie…  but, if I’m only a couple blocks away, at Maggie’s, there’s a good chance I’ll just go home to my Pug.  I’m so glad Jordan’s coming by today.  The weekend’s are so hard for me, b/c I miss Quinn so much.  Fridays, I’d call him in the afternoon.  He usually wouldn’t answer, because he’d be driving, but as soon as he could, he’d call me back, and tell me he was on his way.  Seeing his name light up on my phone used to make me so happy – long before we were involved.  He was my best friend, and I only got to see him on the weekends.  We’d stay up all night talking, just to make the most of it.  We’d have so much fun together.  God, I miss him.  I wish he’d just drop me an email.  A quick call…  something…  

it hurts so much…  not knowing if we’ll talk again.  And, knowing that he’s probably in my city, right now, hanging out with his brother (who’s also my friend, but not very close), and that he’s not going to call or see me…  that just kills me.  I know I don’t have enough friends, here, anymore.  But, I don’t know how to reach out to new people, at this point, either.  I’m not in school, anymore.  And, unfortunately, I can’t afford to go back, immediately (I had to withdraw as a senior, b/c I was too sick to stay – my grades were still good, but it’s gonna cost me four grand just to get my transcripts back, and that might as well be four hundred thousand dollars, b/c I don’t have it)  And, I’m so messed up.  My self esteem was always shaky. 

After the abusive marriage, and the divorce that followed, and now this relationship (steeped in addictive issues and depressive issues)…  which could last (or not)…  I feel like an emotional train wreck.  Too tangled up and twisted…  too rough and sharp around the edges…  not the easiest person to appreciate, or be close to…  I just don’t know how I’m supposed to meet people, or relate to them.  But, I know I need to.  For a long time, I’ve wanted to start a group.  Sort of like a support group, but not purely that…  it would be kind of like an art therapy group.  Every week, the particpants would work with clay, or pastels, or pencil, or paint (everyone using the same medium at the same time), while the group worked, and shared.  People would take turns talking, while everyone worked on their stuff, and before the end of the group, everyone would have the chance to talk about what they worked on, and what it meant.  I’ve been to an art therapy group that worked something like this, but it was a program for homeless women, and I while I was homeless (for three months, around six years ago), I was working full time, to get myself a home, so, I didn’t have time to stay in the program.  Now, I’m not homeless, and even though I’ve heard that formerly homeless women can join the program, I don’t want to take a slot from someone more in need than me. 

But, I could be homeless, again, of course, if we don’t get our stuff in order soon.  If I can play the hero, and be strong enough for both of us…  or, if I can break away, long enough to pull myself out of the mess…  I should be able to hang onto whatever’s left of the life we’ve built.  That’s assuming I can hang onto Charlie…  which I’ve been starting to think is possible…  but, every time I think I’m getting closer, I have another sad moment with him, where I’m reminded of all the space between (like the way he turns his face when he hugs me, goodbye – I assume so I won’t try to kiss him, or, the way he avoids saying that he loves me).  But, he holds me every night, and spends all his time with me.  I can tell he still wants to be with me.  But, what do I do?  Ugh…  I’m so tired.

I don’t know what’s right, anymore.  And, I don’t know what I’m doing.  I still love Charlie, a lot, but I’m falling apart.  And, missing Quinn hurts so much.  I don’t think Quinn and I would hook up, again, at this point, if we hung out again.  I think it’s all too tainted with pain and guilt.  But, God, it would give me so much peace, and so much genuine happiness, if I knew just one thing, for certain:  that I definitely still had a husband (even if he can’t love me like he should, just yet), or that I still have a best friend.  If I just had one or the other to hold onto…

because…  with Quinn M.I.A., and my marriage still in flux…  I feel like I have no foundation.  Nothing human, outside myself, to draw strength, happiness, or joy from…  and no one who feels passionate about me…  and, that was intoxicating, while it lasted.  Feeling beautiful, again…  looking into someone’s eyes, and seeing such enthusiasm…  

if Charlie can look at me that way, again, we might still have something.  But, I won’t know if that’s going to happen until we get the drug out of our systems.  I think we’ll both have a clearer picture of what we’re dealing with, once that’s done with.  My mind shouldn’t be quite as screwed, and his libido should make a comeback.  So, I guess, we’ll see.  My friend Mags should be calling soon.  We’re gonna go for a walk.  It’s supposed to be nice out today.

I need to spend less time blogging.  This is just another hiding place.


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