It is so frustrating, you think you have something licked and the urges come back. Lately I’ve been having the urge to pick up some old habits, some bad habits. some things I told myself I was done with and would not do again. I worked hard to give them up to stop them and I have until this point been proud of myself. I Use to self medicate like so many of us do or did. I use to get high to numb the stress and the pain. It’s been four and a half years clean. but lately, god, lately it’s been on my mind alot, the way it felt, god i want it so bad, and that makes me so mad. I don’t drink either. I use to drink all the time alot but its been four years for that too and every other day I think to myself God i could use a stiff drink…leave the bottle. Last but cerinly the worse. I am a recovering cutter. It’s been two and a half years since the last time i self harmed. I have been doing so bad lately and getting worse. My BF left his flipping hacksaw ontop of the fridge and when i opened the freezer door it fell on me. I threw up my hands to protect myself but it sliced through my hands. God it hurt so bad at first, and i washed away the blood and bandaged myself up and I felt better, i felt releaf. The same way i use to when I cut myself. the pain had taken away from the way i was feeling and as much as my hands hurt i actually felt better. now all i can think of is cutting muself again. God i though i had it beet.  I just want to cry, cut, pour myself a vodka, and smoke a joint until i’m so hooped i can’t remember my name.

God i’m so weak.

1 Comment
  1. SaddleBum 14 years ago

    I think you are AWESOME for being staight for 4.5 years. I am finding it harder and harder to be sober. Even tho my life if okay for now. I just cant deal with life. Sounds like you are dealing with it well.  ETOH has been my friend for some reason lately. Southern comfort. Really no comfort. Anyways enough about me. You can be strong! Look how strong you have been for those 4yrs!! You dont need to be in that bottle again! Or cutting yourself! You are a wonderful person who is doing great things with herself! Take care and be STRONG!! you can do it!!




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