Why am I posting my struggles with depression and anxiety? I can and do express my feelings in a private journal. I declare goals for myself to myself. I speak of frustration with myself to myself. I speak to God in my journal.

I think I want to form a company of Christians who face serious mental illnesses and other personality "disorders." (I use quotation marks on words that are not the best but are the best I can come up with at the time.)

Here is my fear. What if no one reads these offerings? I am not sure how to make such a journal public. How do readers find this blog? I have chosen not to disclose my idenity because I am a pastor serving a congregation, a father, and a grandfather. I am a son and a brother. Around all these folks have to wear certain masks – pretend to be something I am not or am not the person they want me to be.

John Powell wrote a book entitled "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" Ends his book, it must have a later edition, by recounting a conversation he had with someone who had asked him to sign her newly purchased copy. She said, "Why are you afraid to tell people who you are?" Powell says he told that the answer to that question was in the book. She said, "Do you want to know why I am afraid to tell you who I am?" He encouraged her to tell him. She said, "I you find out who I am you really wouldn't like me very much and who I am is all that I have." I wish I had my copy of this book – I read it to my great benefit when I was a younger christain.

Father John Powell is now dead. Just before he died he admitted the truth of accusations against him with dozens of men and women who claimed he sexually abused. If this is true, it would have been happening while he wrote "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I am." Can you imagine the weight of that sin on his mind, heart and soul? He was using those who came to him for spiritual guidance to satisfy his own perverted urges.

Who I am is not at all have dramatic as someone like John Powell and I have hardly gained the recognition he did in his long life. Frankly, the main reason I do not tell folks who I truly am is that I haven't the foggest notice what is the truth in that regard.

I welcome your comments.

1 Comment
  1. Steph_jn 9 years ago

    Thank you for writing this.  I recently joined here and I have not been sure why.  Much of your thoughts and feelings and experiences you wrote of ring true for me as well. 

    I too want to be around others who understand what I am going through on the inside.  I also wear masks for those that I live with and help and I guess that I came here searching for a way to not have to wear a mask.  Just for once, it would be nice to have somewhere that its ok to be me.  To be a bit unsure and to not be perfect and not have all the answers.  If I were to drop my masks all the time in my life I would be alone because people need me and they need to believe that I will always be able to help and always be strong.  But that really isnt me.

    I dont know if this is the type of response you were hoping for but you are welcome to message me if you want to.   It was nice meeting you and I hope you find what you are looking for here.


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