March 31, 2008~

Decided to try out this blog thing out. Mostly just cause I'm studying for a test and will use anything as an excuse not too.  

 I am so tired of this shit…….school, Tuscaloosa, this university, not having any friends at school, uptight roommates, being away from home and my bf, depression….and it goes on and fu,cking on

 I'm listening to Spineshank.  Angry loud music always makes me feel better. 

Yeah, I have nothing else.  I knew my first blog would suck ass. 

April 7, 2008~

I wish I could function on a day to day basis like I'm supposed to. I have morning classes that I skip almost everyday because I can't bring myself to get out of bed, and if I am able to go, i just get up at the last minute, throw my hair up, and throw on a hoodie.  And everyday I hear my roommates getting up, getting ready, and going to class, studying hard for their tests and probably not having to worry about their gpa's being too low to do the things they need and want to do in life.  I just wish I could do this like I'm supposed to. I wish my view of life wasn't so desperately negative and that it didn't reinforce itself every goddamn day.  I am not a dumb girl, not that I'm particularly smart either.  College is not hard, I would be making very good grades if I was actually able to put the time and effort into it. And that is what kills me.

This is just one example of the many ways my life functioning skills have and are failing fvcking miserably. What fvcking gives? I'm on ADs, I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm supposed to be able to at the very least get out of my d@mn bed in the morning.   

Sometimes I wish the very few people who actually care about me didn't so I could just kill myself and get this sh!t over with.

April 21, 2008~

 don't know what to do anymore. 

The money has run out, the shit is nowhere to be found and the dealers are getting sketchy.

I can't keep trying to feel better and escape with drugs and alcohol anymore.   It used to just be recreational, and on weekends it is.  But during the week I feel like I NEED, HAVE TO HAVE something because I am always more depressed during the week.  

I can't keep doing it anymore, I don't wanna be a full blown fucking addict which I'm definitely on my way to becoming. 

I need something else.  Something besides drugs that will change how my mind feels.  The ad's don't work.  My brain just fucking needs to get better. 

I need to see a doctor again.  But of course, I can't afford it.  I can't even afford to reup. Fuck. 

 April 30, 2008~

I HATE EVERYTHING