Hello again. I’ve come to write my monthly reflection of my recovery progress so far during the month of April.

This is part of a series of reflections that I’ll be writing ever since my first crisis back in early March. You may click here to read the first entry, which provides context on how it all started. For this next entry, I’ll be diving deeper into what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks as I continue to recover.

I seem to have been making slow but steady progress in my recovery for the past few weeks since my first crisis event. I’ve been attending my support group meetings every day, learned from other people’s experiences of how they’ve been holding up with the program and their own recovery. I’ve also been looking up various strategies and tips from other mental health-related sources. During the last week of March going to April, I’ve recently returned to another platform I have previously joined a few years back, which is called 7cups. I won’t spare any more details other than that I was there to respect the anonymity, but I do want to share that I’ve been attending open discussions on a weekly basis which are topics that focus on practicing mindfulness. I would also recommend this platform if you’re in need of someone to talk to without having to ask around, as they have plenty of volunteered listeners over there.

Anyway, I’ve also shared my experiences there as I’ve shared here and have received additional wisdom and support from other members. So, I’m glad I have found another space there where I can reach out.

Around that same time before the month of April came, I also decided to restore my faith with my God. I grew up as a catholic, but my family and I are not as very religious as our other relatives. I eventually fell out of practice and rarely went to church around my early 20s. That was all I could remember, and the last time I ever looked up to someone beyond me.

So during the last week of March, I started reading the bible again to reconnect with Him. I wanted to thank my recovery program for helping me find my faith again, as I have been lacking a lot of spiritual practice over the years. And I’ve realized there was nothing other than the God I look up to that would make me feel this way. And I decided to believe in him again.

Additionally, I started writing on a prayer journal that would help me out with my journey. I also use it as a gratitude journal to help remind myself each day what I am thankful for.

Anyway, first week of April came.

Just about a month after the first crisis I’ve had, I unfortunately had another one on the first Tuesday. I’ve opened about it like a day after, which you can find it here.

Anyway, it was much less severe compared to the first one. The trigger of it was because of a small mistake that it took a while for me to get over, and it made me feel bad to the point of panic. I recalled isolating myself in the bedroom alone and almost attempted to overdose.

Unexpectedly that was when my significant other called me, even though it’s late at night in his time zone, and I didn’t have the heart to hang up on him during the conversation as he persisted on staying until I calmed down. I knew my sister reached out to him because she was the first to witness and I couldn’t seem to listen to her at the time.

After probably 2 hours or so, I managed to leave the bedroom without the pills. I was finally dissuaded by both my sister and significant other after a long conversation and me crying out my automatic thoughts that have easily overwhelmed me. I felt emotionally exhausted throughout the rest of the day.

Unlike the crisis a month ago, I was able to recover a bit easily, now that I already have a support system. I just hope I’ll be able to overcome it better if I happen to find myself in another event like this in the future.

Afterwards, I continued to do the same activities throughout the rest of the first week: my support group, practicing mindfulness strategies, bible reading, and trying to watch shows or movies via streaming apps that I have.

It was Easter Sunday morning when I was talking with my significant other over the phone. Mostly around the weekends I would spend time with him the most, as he works on the weekdays. My mood dwindled over the past few days, and a part of me was still hurt and grieving over my former best friend. As I’ve shared about my crisis previously, my former friend (they/them) decided to permanently cut me off amidst my mental crisis and suicidal attempt, and I never found this out until the day after I finally reached out for help.

I continued to grieve about it to my significant other around the morning on that Sunday, because all 3 of us used to be friends during our college years. He knew how hurt I was and how much of their choice had created a huge impact on all of us. What I did was wrong, but what they did in response made it worse. I’ve realized later their actions had already spoken for them. Although they have already diagnosed mental issues of their own, their behavior or reaction to similar situations like this was not new, according to my partner. He really thought they would’ve known better after considering many years of our friendship. Whether or not they might’ve been hurt by my words, they chose to say nothing and cut off not only me but other people that we were also mutually close with. That’s all I can and have to accept.

Throughout the rest of that week since, I’ve been continuing to attend 7cups’ group discussions every afternoon on weekdays. I’ve learned so many good lessons and skills I can use to help improve myself better. Most of the topics are related to mindfulness and gratitude. And I’ve met very kind and supportive people that were hosting the discussion as well as others who are willing to share their experiences. It just felt like another support group that I’m regularly attending. I’m still attending my recovery program meetings as well. And I’m even participating in a 1-on-1 peer support chat once a week. So, I’ve been pretty much occupied during my recovery journey.

My life has changed quite a lot in the past several weeks. I know I’ll have to eventually get back on my feet, but I still feel like I’m not there yet. I attempted to draw or make some new videos since I was also a content creator, but the triggers were easily summoned so hastily that my chest would often feel heavy. I needed more time. A few weeks went by, and the weight of managing my social media and a stressful need for engagements has slowly been lifting off my shoulders. As a freelance artist, it was an absolute struggle to maintain multiple platforms just to reach out to my audience. I know I deleted some accounts shortly before I started participating in the recovery program. I left a lot of mess in very few of the platforms during my first crisis. While I was not able to take care of myself mentally prior to my crisis, I realized I have unknowingly spread this kind of dark infection onto the things I’ve produced/ created, as well as the people around me. I was filled with so much anger, sadness, and constantly beating myself up for so many things that were running in my mind. I didn’t realize I needed a break. But it was already too late for that. All of this is already in the past now.

Sometime earlier this month, I had the courage to speak to my mother and ask about seeking a therapist online. My mother at first mistook the role of a therapist for a psychiatrist, which slightly annoyed me, but I was able to explain to her correctly so that she wouldn’t be confused any further. Although we’re still recovering from our financial situation from months back, she agreed that I could try just 1 month of online therapy. However, the best time would have to be later in the summer, after we get back from our trip to see the rest of our family in our home country. I know it was sudden to ask, but it’s better to remind her what I want to do in the coming future. It’s kind of a long wait for me, but at least I still have the recovery tools that I currently have that’ll continue to help me become better.

One night around the second week of April, something came upon my mind that I later realized I wasn’t ready for it.

I wanted to make amends.

As of writing this part of the entry, I have not acted on it yet. It came to me like some sort of calling. I would believe that it was my higher power nudging me on it, and it was flooding my mind for like 2 days. But it wasn’t a stressful feeling. Maybe it was something that my instincts realize that it might be something I have to do before I can finally move on.

I spoke about it briefly the first night with my significant other over the phone. I shared with him the steps of the recovery program that I’ve been following, and he tells me I’m not up to that point yet where I must make direct amends, because I’m still trying to work on myself, which is true. The idea may have come to mind, but I know in my heart that I’m not entirely ready to face it. So, I decided to express it in writing through here, and share it in other support communities in hopes of receiving some advice or wisdom.

I feel that it is the right thing to do, at least for me; to make amends with my former best friend and finally close the door behind me. However, I’m not going to ask for our renewal of friendship, or whatever their actions have implied on that day, since I’m already deeply traumatized by it. I imagined different scenarios of how it might turn out. But I’ll have to accept any outcome no matter what. The point is that I’m willing to make amends, maybe not now but when the time feels right.

I then decided to reach out to a listener the next evening, since I had no one to talk to during one of the days, which helped me relieve myself from these thoughts running in my head. It’s the second time I’m meeting him since they he found me 2 weeks prior. I felt lucky to find the right listener who was able to listen and empathize with me. After the conversation of summarizing my recovery progress since our last meeting, I felt better that I got it off my chest. I guess I just needed someone to lend their ear for me.

My significant other was available during the weekend, and he suggested I write a letter of apology to let out some feelings before I can officially make amends sometime in the future. So, I agreed to hold it off for now until I’m ready.

Moving on to the third week of April.

Another series of setbacks came around. I almost let my self-doubt rule over me again. I even felt more tired and fatigued every morning. But I’ve been doing the same new routine normally throughout each day. Some good things to mention, I am starting to make new friends in other support communities. And after attending a lot of therapeutic discussions along with my support group, I’ve started to feel calmer when taking care of my mother. I don’t feel as bitter or annoyed as much as I used to for the past 2-3 years since I’ve moved back home with her. But now I feel lighter when tending to her. It’s just that I often feel more tired the past week, so I must continue to work on my sleep schedule still.

Other than that, instead of seeking a therapist, I plan to make an appointment at a local psych center in my home country. I’m going to inquire for a psych evaluation and see if I can meet up with them during the week that I’ll arrive there. It seems more affordable that way since me and my mother are going to visit my dad, my sister, my partner and the rest of my family. I feel like it would be right for me since I’m long overdue in seeking help. I’m grateful that my mom is supporting me through that.

Then one night, I finally found the courage to write up a full letter in my word processor (because I like typing) to make amends with my former best friend. As of writing this part of the entry, I have not sent it yet. It’s important that I write this letter admitting my wrongdoing and conveying my feelings to them for what they did. That’s the only purpose of the letter. I even stated in there that I will forgive them for what they have done, but it has left a deep scar on me that’ll probably last for the rest of my life. It’s my way of waving goodbye and putting this behind me, so that my mind can rest easy without reliving the guilt and pain.

But even after typing the letter, memories started replaying again in my head. I guess the relief from conveying my feelings into words was temporary. So, I decided to share it with my support groups. I even contemplated sending the letter through an anonymous email, because I don’t want to give my former friend the opportunity to hurt me further after cutting me off everywhere online. I don’t want to give them another chance to do that. It already hurts enough. At least with an anonymous emailer, I won’t have to see their reply. I mean if they do want to ever respond, they know where to find me. They were the one who made that call.

Anyway, my only intent was to make amends and nothing more. I’m willing to close its doors and walk away. And when that time comes, I might finally free myself from this pain.

As the month’s almost ending, I was able to get a response from the psych center I’ve been looking forward to having a session at. I just got the forms via email that I’ll be filling out electronically. Hopefully it’ll work out.

The gloomy days are ahead at where I live. I felt happy enough to know that the experiences I’ve shared have also touched other people and it made feel like I’m not alone anymore. So, I’ll keep writing, and see how it’ll continue to unfold later in the next month.

Thanks for reading.