been thinking while trying to take a nap. well i was thinking i am not really Conner's dad and what i mean by that is he is my son but i am not really there for him i don't really support him mentally and psychically i love him and want to be a dad to him but i cant because of my own selfishness i have been trying to at least do some right by him by paying the measly child support but i don't think that makes me his dad i think it just makes me the guy who loves him from afar and idolizes him i love that boy but i cant be a dad to him i attached myself to the dream and fantasy of it but like i said i am not there for him the way i would like to be and i cant work my stuff out to fix it i am glad he has his grandfather to show him the rights and wrongs and i am glad he has his brother to protect him and teach him things his grandfather cant and i am glad he has his grandmother to give him the love and attention he deserves i just think i hang on to the idea that he is mine cause he is my blood and he should know me that's me being selfish i know i cant just pop in and visit him yet because he has a routine and autism and i don't want to screw with his head i will be ready when he is ready to meet and talk to me but i cant force something i want just because i want to that's selfish i will love him and continue to try and to good by him i just hate when i attach myself to needing to know his every waking moment which i would love but its not right for me to force things. i know this was a log rambling letter but it was in my head and i was wondering what your thoughts are on this i am not denying him i am just saying i cant call my self his dad not the way i want to be and its my fault i cant do that not his or anyone Else's Conner is an innocent child that i wish i could hug and enjoy his triumph's but i wont let myself linger on things because i cry easy of Conner and i also become quick to anger over him

1 Comment
  1. redjayson 7 years ago

    thank you heatherMB. my new therapist brought up the question of completely taking Conner out of my life because i dwell too much on it i think she is right
     

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