It was a very subdued homecoming that night. I went out with Sister 1 to do some food shopping before finally returning home. Only one of my housemates was home and we didn’t really talk much. When Housemate B came home she moved in close and I was desperate to give her a hug, but there were too many people around and we had an awkward close but not hugging moment.

That night I made a pear, mango and sausage curry for my sister and Housemate B. It was strange to be cooking in the kitchen with both my housemates watching me. The conversation was scarce and nobody talked about Monday’s events. It felt very uncomfortable but cooking took my mind off things. My parents returned from Europe that afternoon and my sister went to my parent’s house to welcome them back home. I had already decided that I didn’t want to see them for a few days and she passed on my regards.

 The curry was quite nice although I wasn’t happy with the texture of the pears (they were a strange Japanese variety). My sister said it was great and Housemate B had seconds, which was a good sign given that she doesn’t eat much.

 I was exhausted from the night before so I went to bed quite early, and my sister ended up sleeping on the floor of my room. I slept well although I didn’t feel rested the next day. Even now, a week later, I am trying to catch up on sleep.

Sister 2 from the United Kingdom rang in the morning and wanted to have a chat. She asked if it was ok if she came home, but I told her to stay where she was. I was sick of my family already and I didn’t need more people hanging around. I recognised that Sister 1 was having a hard time, but I knew that the presence of Sister 2 would only increase her stress levels. My objections were irrelevant since she had already booked a flight back home. She would be arriving on Saturday. I wasn’t happy about that, but I reasoned that Sister 1 might benefit from it even if I didn’t.

That morning Housemate B had left a note on the kitchen table before she left for work. She wanted to catch up on Friday to see a movie, and I appreciated her thoughtfulness. She the only person I wanted to spend time with – even though I barely know her.

My sister and I went back to the hospital at around 10:30am, and we waited only had to wait an hour until I started to see various people. I saw two different social workers, another psychologist and Doctor SH. None of them had any additional wisdom to impart. I was referred to another psychologist and arranged a phone appointment with a suicide counsellor (the appointment is in about half an hour actually).

Upon leaving the hospital my sister could barely look at the nursing staff. I was walking around with a giant grin on my face but nobody else shared my enthusiasm (except for Doctor SH). As we had left the ward and were nearing the car park I gave a nod to the member of the mental health team I had first spoken to in the emergency department. He didn’t nod back.

So it would appear that nobody supported my flight from hospital except my sister, and even she was embarrassed. However I need to give this another try. My sister has put a lot of faith into me and I would feel awful if I let her down. I don’t have a problem living for other people. I just don’t see the point in living for myself.

I eventually saw my parents on Friday, two days after they had returned home from Europe. I have still barely spoken to them, but they know I am alive. Sister 1 informs me that they are going to see a counsellor. That’s an interesting development.

I had to call work and let them know I was talking a few weeks off. I told my boss I had been suffering chronic major depression for the past twelve years and on Monday I attempted to commit suicide. Understandably he gave me the time off without question. That last time I took time off work due to depression everybody thought I had a bad flu. I don’t think that excuse will fly this time.

Housemate B cancelled the movies on Friday and went down south for the weekend. I still haven’t spoken to her alone and it’s driving me nuts.

And so here I am, being monitor by Sister 1 and Sister 2 in shifts while slowing going stir crazy. My sisters are starting to get at each other’s throats and I’m becoming more hostile toward them.

I’m going out to play squash with Housemate A this afternoon – regardless of my cracked ribs, which I have decided to blame the police for despite no evidence of foul play. Housemate B gets home tonight and I really want to give her a hug and apologise. Hell I might give Housemate A a hug too.

The end

(phew)