I haven't cut myself in about 6 months now. Last time I did it was out of rage. I punched the mirror in my bathroom and grabbed a rigged piece…

This time is a little different. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breath. My mind keeps telling me if I just let it out a little, I'll be ok. But I know it won't. I've had the urge to cut for a few days now. But have resisted.

I know I am beyond that now. I don't have to do it anymore. It won't fix anything. Sure I might "feel" better, but eventually my fiance will see. Eventually my family will see. I can't stand seeing them looking at me with disgust.

I have deep scars. My arms are covered in my past. And I WILL not add on to the scars! I CAN do this. I can do this…. I keep trying to tell myself. I just want someone to understand there is no shame in my scars.

People who see my arms ask what happened…"You really have to ask?" It's kind of obvious. But they make me stronger, the scars.

I remember when I went to try on wedding dresses with my friend Tory. The women helping me out recommened that I purchase the tattoo make-up kit to cover up all my tattoos and scars. My family doesn't give two sh*ts about my tattoos, they cover small scars. Covering them won't make me anymore pretty on the "Big day". Sometimes they, my scars, make me feel prettier. They tell a story, a tragic story. And the fact that they didn't kill me, no matter how deep I would go, I'm still here today. That makes them a beautiful mystery.

I'm sure this doesn't make sense. Sometimes my brain works that way. Sorry….

3 Comments
  1. amber_lee 9 years ago

    I think that is a good attitude for you to have. Your scars and your tattoos are who YOU are, & nobody has the right to judge you. They tell your life story & show how strong you’ve become. No regrets, no shame. :)

    That look that they give you when they find out you hurt yourself cuts deeper than actually cutting yourself :\ The feeling I got when my boyfriend found out, the look he gave me, how disappointed he was in me…that has to be one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

     

    I’ve recently promised my boyfriend, as well as myself, that I would stop harming myself. I didn’t cut, but I’ve now been using a thin elastic band & snapping it a few times (sometimes a bit too hard :\) but it’s better than leaving scars; they leave red lines that welt a bit & look like healing cuts, but usually go away within the hour. So it might not be the best thing to do, but it’s a step up from leaving scars & bruises. idk if that would help you or not, but seeing as they sort of look like cuts & it does hurt, maybe it would? There are other decent alternatives if you look up a few sites on the internet that might help you as well.

     

    I hope your wedding goes wonderfully 🙂
    Stay strong

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  2. MissSomniareAude 9 years ago

     thanks you for the input. ive tried many methods for avoiding cutting. most unhealthy a few healthy just nonresponse methods as well. 

    i appreciate the praise. 

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  3. megankoncir 9 years ago

    i think it makes perfect sense.

    scars tell a story of what you've been through and what you are going to go through. If i could wear my life story on my wrist so people would know all the pain and suffering i've gone through, i'd love to.  People are too quick to judge a person, i'd love to take a lot of peoples comments to me and sit them down and explain to them my past. 

    scars are a blessing in disguise. thank you for making me realize this

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