How can I ask others not to judge me when my auto-pilot causes me to judge as an initial reaction.  I am always on defense, ready to fight, and building up my ammunition.  Such a sad angry person does not belong here. And then there is the self-judgement.  You know what that’s all about.

I am scheduled for hormone testing in a couple weeks.  I hope this will give me some insight or answers, but I am not sure what I am looking for.  In conversation with my mama last night, she apparently dealt with all these similar feelings and such at this stage in her life.  That should give me some solace as I am not alone.  But yet I still feel alone.  Where is the magic happy pill that makes everything better? 

I know this way of thinking is detrimental to making any progress. I need something to push me over the edge, to make me see that this is no longer acceptable and cannot go on. 

Everyone gives me these suggestions on books to read, web sites to check out, but my attention span is lacking and I lose interest quickly.  I do appreciate the ideas and hope that some day I can look into it.

Perhaps some of this sadness today is due to the gloomy weather we are having.  And the fact that when we did have nice weather, I was so sick I could not even move off the couch.  Yes, I spent the entire weekend on my computer.  I could not do anything else. 

I guess this blog is more of my line of thinking right now and trying to make some decisions on where to go next.  Can you guess where my judgemental mind is telling me to go?

God I thank you for this day, for the rain that is feeding this earth and bringing it back to life.