Well I did make it to the grocery store, as usual there's not enough foodstamps to get what was required, its going to be a long month. Mom's taxes were due this month, so she couldn't pay her bills and we are out of everything, toliet paper, cleaning products, the dryer broke down so no way to get laundry done, via hang and dry, lol.
Its 3:16 p.m. here and I decided to take the rest of my money I had left from hocking my ring and buy myself some beer, and deodrant. I'm actually just opening my beer and going to enjoy it, wow at 3:16 p.m. I'm drinking a beer, probably not a good sign but I don't care at the moment, I do no I can't drink away my pain, wouldn't even try, never been much on drugs and liquor. I at least smell good drinking my beer, lol.
I feel so unraveled, so miserable, like crying, maybe breaking something, like doing something crazy, desperate, but I no this will pass it always does, so I can keep being tortured.
I live everyday with this dread, fear, a fear of what's coming or not coming, I try to move forward to be positive but it all seems like a cruel, vicious joke. The good things are slipping further into the past, fading into long ago memories, which terrifies me so. Is this the life I'm destined to live, poverty stricken….., like a beaten down dog, loved and thrown out of a moving car, hungry, cold, wandering, afraid, mistreated turned away from everyone, lost and confussed, my hair a matted mess, my body worn from the elements, my paws never resting, seeking shelter, acceptance, love, food, dignity once again. This old dog needs someone to pick it up and take it home, bath it, feed it, give ita nice bed, a toy , safety, a home, a loving embrace, be gentle I have become a broken dog,I may bit out of fear, I've seen unspeakable cruelity, injustices, I've been beaten, kicked, yelled at, attacked, shot at, screamed at. used and tortured. I was a good dog, loving and loyal at one time, this old dog remembers vaguely those days, so long ago…….