For the first time in a long time, I found myself over eating because I was feeling sad. Usually I don't over eat to fufill saddness but hunger and then I over judge how much I can eat. Anyway, academically, college is fine. Socially…that's another story. I am finding it so hard to make friends here. The Christian group is different. Those people are so nice and accepting but I don't see any of them on a day to day basis. Most if not all of the kids in the group have been going to the college longer than me and therefore take different classes.
I thought I'd have made at least a couple of friends by now…but I guess not. The vocational school was so much better in this area. You knew everyone there had a disability and I guess that made most people more accepting of others. I don't have that here.
So here I sit, in my room where I don't have a roommate. I only share a bathroom with a girl and I feel like I'm intruding when I say hi to people she intruduced me to. I just feel like I don't belong here…maybe it's because the majority of the students at this college are African American but that used to not bother me. I feel so damm racist to say that but I get so uncomfortable around them, especially guys. I guess I'm doomed to a life without a companion. But that's a whole other matter. I could write one heck of a blog on my issues with guys. I'm not gay but guys still make me nervous. My writing, especially my first complete story, convays how I feel about guys and what a "perfect" guy would be like. I gave my character, Bailie, all the things I want: a loving and understand hubsband, children, grandchildren. All the things I want.
Speaking of kids, another friend is pregnant. I can't tell you the amount of envy I feel. She's pregnant and she's having a girl. I can't imagine how happy she is feeling…I want that happiness. But my beliefs keep me from getting pregnant before marriage and financial stability. But a very defiant side of me wants to get pregnant. I know that's wrong but I'm just writing out my feelings. It would be defiant because I'm not married, don't have a bf and I'm no where near financially stable.
I dream of children and a husband that loves me. I LITTERALLY dream about it. It's becoming a nightmare because I feel I will never have them. Yeah I'm only 22 but my friend that is pregnant is younger than me.
Anyway, I need to do something else other than vent or fantacize about a life out of reach. Sorry for the spelling errors, my spell check method isn't working.
Thanks for reading…