Im having a really hard time.My physical ailments are getting worse and its preventing me from doing the things I have to do and the things I want to do.I broke down a few months ago but managed to hang in there for a while until Thursday when i lost it completely.It was so strange,because when i was brushing my teeth getting ready for work i thought Im not feeling too bad today,perhaps today will be a good day,then something said to me dont speak so fast.And I felt sort of Ok but as soon as i stepped foot in the office at work i felt terrible.I work in an office of many people and even though the people in my group are fine,i just felt so low when i sat at my desk.I have been having horrendous headaches every day for months due to a severe neck problem and my right arm is also extremely sore and I started to get the terrible headache again and I just could not cope.I went to the sick room and cried and cried for about 30 mins,then pulled myself together and tried to get back to work.But it was no use,i lost it again soon after.I went to my boss and was in a state and could not control my crying ,even though I was desperately trying to get it together to just say Im not well,I have to go home.I stumbled the words out and im lucky to have agood boss who said ,sure you just go home and rest and ring me tomorrow.I have a well paid good job and Im so scared I wont be able to keep going,its an intense job but I like it,apart from some of the policies of the organisation and people who work there .I just feel in so much pain,and so irritable and very very angry.Ive got quite a few other issues as well in my personal life,and no support ,its hard but I dont want to go down,I have plans and dreams and that in itself is whats keeping me going but I feel an enormous weight mentally and physically.Im seeing therapists for my physical issues but its so expensive,even with my health insurance covering part.I will be up for the limits in afew months and have to pay the lot myself.I get my long service leave in 2 years and Im going to have 6 mths off and study but those 2 years are so far away and I have to keep going to my job fulltime until then to get my 10 yrs service.Even then,I wont be able to go back to work fulltime,but the 4 days a week will be enough at my level by then money wise.Not a lot,but more than some jobs thats for sure.I went to the river today and did some yoga and felt a bit better but the meds im on for my pain make me so tired,and the anti depressants Im on made me fall asleep at my desk all the time,so i am reducing those ,cant take anything for my depression with these pain meds,it just makes me want to sleep all the time,I cant live like that.The dry mouth and other side affects are way too much to bear when you have to work fulltime in a demanding job and environment.Health -its the foundation of everything,if the physical is weak and broken,well,the whole world just stops.For me anyway.I was at the supermarket today and as i was paying at the checkout the one next to me had a product on it called "Turning point".It was poignant for me,and I keep thinking about it as I desperately need to have a turning point now in my life or I wont survive.Im going to have to digas deep in my soul as I can and try to climb this huge mountain,I think of the mountain climbers on Everest and the like,and the incredible view at the summit .I watched a show the other week where a guy climbed Mount Fuji day and pitch black night and when he got to the summit the view was totally incredible,he was above the clouds and it looked like he could just reach up and touch the sky.


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