Yeah, real funny Mr. Fortune Cookie.  How I look forward to your beaming capital letters in lazer red.  A real cute promise of no return.

Why does everything have to be a race.  Why do people make everything into a f%&$#@g fight?  You walk into a crowded dining hall and miraculously you see people about to evacuate a table so you stand there waiting while they lollygag and then as soon as the walk away someone has to THROW (not place, THROW) their f%&$#@g cell phone or wallet or some s%&t on the table.  Oh my f%&$#@g god, I am about to slap a bitch.  Tell me, why the f%/# do I go out of my way for people when day after day I get treated to this kind of shit?  People are f%&$#@g pathetic, they're like carp.  It's just a f%&$#@g table!  You don't have to be an ass about it!  Same with the people who have to cut you in line.  Or driving.  WOW, YOU GAINED A WHOLE FUCKING INCH.  ARE YOU HAPPY?  GROW THE FUCK UP!  Jesus Christ.  I feel like I'm still in high school.  People are still morons.  And it doesn't change, does it?  People always say that people change as they GROW UP, but there isn't such a thing as GROWING UP because people are inherently bastards.  In fact, the adult world can be even worse.  I won't even take the time to point out any cases (ahem, Fred Phelps, hypocritical pro-minority anti-every other human right ministers, etc etc etfuckingcetera).  Pah.  People are the most f%&$#@g disgusting swine of a species that any plague could ever hope to unleash.  We are a living virus.

AND NO I DON'T FUCKING AGREE WITH SAM.  HURRAH, SAM THINKS I'M GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I DON'T SMOKE PEYOTE AN HOP ON POP.  Well, I'd rather go to hell than be bullied into faith.  And no, you don't have a right to disturb my belief and my privacy because you think your religion gives you the right to preach at me.  f%/# you all.

Now you see what I mean when I say I need to just accept being angry and alone?  I wish I could just make myself just stop being a pansy, but alas I cannot because I am a pansy.

My chest hurts.  And I still feel lightheaded/disoriented.

I've got my katakana.  I'll play the ninja, now who wants to be my sliced bologna?

I managed to break a bottle.  Damn!  When you want to break one, it's impossible, but when you don't it's a cakewalk.  I had to drop it in the stairwell… now I've got bits of glass.  Too chickenshit to do anything with it.

Easiest way has to be a gun.  Boom, quick and painless.  No risk of surviving and being more damaged.  Question is how do I get one.  I can't.  Blah f%&$#@g blah.  I guess I could just consume every last pill in my possession.  But that's hard, some stupid part of me won't finish the job.  Don't think I could risk cars.  Couldn't do it by blood.  Damn it, it sucks being a pansy.

So, what else did I do today.  I practically curled up in my counselor's office.  Too tired to think, and too numb to care.  Can't remember anything he said.  Last time we'll meet too.  Then I slept and ate junk.  Then I got on the bus and fell asleep, so I had to walk anyway because I just missed my stop.  Waste of time.  Yep, that's about it.  Another beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Another wonderful day.

Oh, and people reading their revised stories.  Makes mine sound like total crap.  I don't even have the energy to try fixing it anyway.  It's crap.  Everything I touch is crap.  I can never be like them.

I still don't know if I'm coming back next year.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I'm struggling not to lose my mind as it is.  I f%&$#@g hate it all.  I'd rather just die and get it over with.  But what else can I do?  Where else can I go?  What can help me?!  I really need something drastic.  I really need serious advice and intervention, but nobody is willing to offer that… can't anyone see how bad I feel?  No, I know they can't.  Nor do they care.  Not that I'd expect them to.  But it's no use in trying.  I don't know why people have so much confidence that I can be successful and make things better or whatever.  Is there anything that hasn't been worse off because of me?  How the hell do I save myself then?  I'd rather have someone call in and report me to the hospital as suicidal than keep sitting here day after day.  Hell if I go myself.  Hell if that even leads anywhere.  But I'm done.  This is pointless.  I might as well surrender myself to what is.  I'm as good as dead anyway.

Lol, "Too shy too eat" tonight at 11.  Bah.  You could lock me up and use me as your lab monkey.

Can't do anything myself.  I can't even decide on school by myself.  I need some sort of direction that doesn't involve waiting for the status quo.  Preferably that means being buried underground (because I'm telling you now, nothing will ever be good), but just anything!  Even if I had one person I could actually speak to here at school, just one person I didn't dread, just one person I didn't feel like a total creep or disdained…

1 Comment
  1. fschubart 14 years ago

    I know how you feel about the getting help part. I was put on a waiting list to be formally diagnosed, but am taking meds for it. My family has tried to have me committed, I've tried, no avail, and by the sounds of it, you probably need it worse than I do. I've even asked a sherrifs deputy to do it, and instead went to jail and they took my meds away. Why is it it takes almost no effort at all on my part to keep being dragged to jail when I don't take my meds, but I couldn't get any help if I tried. What has been suggested to me more than once is that if I got drunk as hell and took a bunch of my meds at one time and went to the ER, I would get help immediately. Seems like to much effort to me is the only reason I haven't done it. ERs too far!!! I probably wouldn't make it, get hit by a car, live and then have to shit through a rubber hose for the rest of my life. People are patetic……….

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