Well, I seem to love making bad decisions… I went up to Fort Colliins to visit the ex friday night. He owed me a little money, and I'm so broke, i really needed it. So, we get up there, things are going well, we're watching our shows, talking, smoking too much, then one of his friends calls… I dont get along well with her, but, when she's nice, she's a lot of fun, and there's always fun stuff going on when she's around. She invited us to come out with her new bf, and we said sure. Well, we went to one of her bf's friends places and started playing drinking games (if anyone tries to get you to play up the river down the river, JUST SAY NO! it's a bad idea!!!) well, we drink, talk, and it's a really fun night. we get back to Johnny's (they got a cab for us, how nice is that?) well, we got home and he tells me to come to bed so we can finish watching our shows. I do, and the tv is hardly on before his pants are off and he's pulling my head down. I'm drunk at this point, but i'm still there enough to know that he doesn't really want me doing this, that he has a new gf and that she will be so upset and angry that this happened… part of me tried to push that thought out of my head while the rest relished in knowing that he was fucking things up with her AGAIN, and hoping that this would be the last straw and i wouldn't have to deal with knowing he was with her again.
The sex was amazing. it always is. It's part of what keeps me coming back over and over again. that and the fact that he does understand me more than anyone ever has before (though I have a feeling my new friend here is already taking over that spot…) so, we fell asleep right after we were done, and were cuddled up and it really was just like old times. In the morning, we get a call from his friend that we went out with and she had forgotten something at his place, so, while she's on her way, he pushes my head down again. we finish right before she gets there, she comes in and starts laughing that the room reeks of sex and ass, and we laugh and explain why. she starts getting on him, dont you have a gf? why did you do this? well, looks like you dont have one anymore! he was playing like he felt bad, but i'm pretty sure he wasn't. Before our morning round he tried to blame me for what happened. asked why i was in bed with him, i told him he brought me to bed to watch the show, then he started remembering things. I know he wanted to be able to say it was all my fault, that I seduced him, that I climbed into bed after he told me not to. but that isn't what happened this time. So, I'm not sure if he has talked to his "gf" yet, but i hope she can get out before she gets as addicted to him as i am. also, i still want to be able to hang out with him when i want and he doesn't try to get rid of me so much.
well, i had told him before i went up that i was planning on leaving saturday, after we woke up and had a few smokes. i didn't mention a time, but said i did want to be home saturday. well, we woke up so early because his friend came over that we went back to sleep, i did sleep on the couch that time, as much as i didn't want to. we woke up again, smoked more and then i decided i really needed a shower, i didn't want to go home smelling like sweat and butt sex. got out of the shower (i was hoping he'd join me, but he didn't) we smoked more, then went and got food, then started watching more shows. Had he even once started doing something like homework, or even going back to sleep again, i probably would have left, but he kept doing things i was enjoying. I really didn't mean to overstay my welcome, but it was becomming obvious that i had. well, he eventually went to sleep in the middle of a show, and i stopped myself from continuing to watch the next episode and left. but that was at 2:30 sunday morning. I had spent so much longer than i had planned, and i'm sure he's angry about that… he has told me i can't come up anymore if i cant stay true to my word. I told him I probably still should just come up when i have to work the next day. I'm far more likely to leave and make it to work than i am to leave when i dont have anything to do.
Also, I'm starting a diet tomorrow. I have 85lbs i want to loose. I'm nervous and excited. I dont want to be skinny, i dont think that would suit me, but i do need to loose a little. I have a friend at work starting with me, so we can be bitchy and encouraging. lol. wish me luck!
trying to decide if i should call johnny, appologize again for overstaying my welcome, and see if he talked to his "gf" yet… but he wont want to talk to me about that… who knows. i just feel alone, and want to just be held and go to sleep. i need to cuddle. oh, and a friend at work wants to hook me up with her new bfs friend and roommate… i said i'd be happy to meet this guy, but no promises that i'll be in the mood to be a good time… tho i am thinking that it might be a good thing to meet someone else as a rebound so that when i make it out to san diego, i can be clear and ready for it. i want to be good for my new friend, i'm also wondering if i should feel guilty about that? we never discussed datiing really, or being exclusive, just that we'd like to be together… in my mind that's still in the future, i do want to be with him. i really do, but just not yet… not untill we've actually met… maybe i should call him instead…
i dont know what to say… u cant be going back to the ex especially if he has a girlfriend…dont you think if you were the other woman that wud suk? of course you still have feelings for him but you got to do the right thing sometimes. you never know you may find the right man that understands you better then your x someday and it will drive you crazy if he started hangin around his x……i think in life you only meet so few people that will love you and make a difference in your life that truly understand you…if you find that person you cant be sleeping around. thats brings bad karma…or whatever…if you find that special person and you tell them about your past with x's they may walk out of your life because they think you would do the same to them…and the will not believe you and think your a player……….you need to be true to yourself…its hard but you can…..when that special person comes in your life you will see something new and wonderful……you need to stay clear and focused….you will find that someone who you can cuddle with…rebound suk….you hurt other peoples feelins and yours becuase your jist filling a void and then when its over you will still have that void….please try to be strong and hang in there and be true to your self….im sure you will find that person who is better then your x and will love you the way you want to be loved…..
I appreciate your response JA, I've thought about that a few times myself, especially because I HAVE been on the other side of it… actually with this same guy and this new girl he's been seeing. He cheated on me with her last year. I have trouble equating it with bad karma since she promised me then when she found out how he was cheating on me with her that she would never see or speak to him again. Since she lied to me about that, I feel no sympathy towards her for doing this. I've told him that I wont make any effort to sleep with him, but if he chooses to sleep with me, I wont say no. He has also told me (i dont know what he's really told her) that he is NOT monogomous and doesn't plan to be. So, knowing all that, there is no real reason for me to feel guilty… Also, I still wonder if this is the man i will someday marry… Yes, i've met someone else who is wonderful, but i really dont know what the future holds for that, and i have a lot of history with my ex that is hard to just throw away. I have told this new guy about everything, and he at least seems very understanding. And there are far worse things in my past then being the "other woman" I dont think i'd want to be with someone who would leave me for that reason when there are plenty better… Also, if i were to have a rebound, the person i was with would know from the start that it is a rebound, that if things progress beyond that, awesome, but i'm really not emotionally available. I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks again for your comments. It always is good to hear another way of seeing things.