It wasn't long after I wrote my last blog that I once again fell into that black abyss of despare. I don't know why I continue to put myself in situations I know I'm not good for me. Deperate for the touch and closeness of a human being I have been with my husband a few times. We had agreed that this was something that was over between us. First off because it wasnt happening anyways and because we are no longer together, even though we are still living in the same house. I fell like such a tool afterwards too. Not only that.. the charming man began calling and texting me again and I, even though I said I wouldn't talk to him again, did just that. He has been supportive as a "friend" but know darn well that there is still alot of sexual tension between us. Although I know it's wrong to continue talking to him.. I still find myself happy and anxious for him to do so. He is such a sweet talker and been supportive of me through these rough times but once again I continue to feel like a tool. This man and I have this connection and alot of things in common. Alot of the same views and thoughts about things but… he is not mine. How can I allow myself to even connect with this guy when he is not for me. I am such a pathetic person. I am so lonely and just long for peace and happiness in my life. Starting this week, we are going to be doing some extensive deep therapy sessions. I am scared but hope I actually come out of this a better person. My therapists goal is to get to the source of my issues and deal with them so that i wont need therapy anymore. I looked at her like "really? How is that even going to be possible?" We'll just have to see. I have to try to stay strong. Stop being week as piss and just stop giving in to temptation. Even though its my husband I'm being with… it's still wrong! How are we suppose to maintain healthy boundaries if we're doing this shit. Uggg! I am so mad at myself these days it's not even funny. I cross my fingers and hope that therapy will help me. I cry all the time because I feel so hopeless, lonley and just plain unhappy. I just long for peace. Is it really to much to ask for?? I want to be a person my kids can look up to and be proud of. I'm afraid I'm not that person and am afraid I will never be….