I have been doing it on and off all day. I just feel like such an idiot, a horrible mom and horrible human being. I made the stupid mistake and staying "friends" with the guy I had an affair with. It's been ok and tolerable until recently. I wish this guy would leave me alone and stop trying to make me think he cares for me. I don't like the mind games. He knows I'm on the verge of getting divorced and he is just making it difficult for me to keep my mind straight. He is also married and claims to have an almost perfect marriage. Then why did u stray? I asked him not to speak to me as anything more than friends and he just started onc again to try and sweet talk me. The thing about it is that I do care for this man very much but I know that this thing we had is just stupid and impossible to even begin to try and deal with again. I love the attention he gives me but I know there will be a time when he will feel guilty again and break it off with me. SO i just don't even want to go there with him aghain and put myself in that position again. He hurt me so bad before and I just can't handle it.On top of that all the problems with my husband. I wish he would also leave. He just make my life so difficult. I just don't know if he eve has a clue as to how much he has hurt and contributed to my depression. I have told him many time about the things he does or has done to hurt me and he just doesn't seem to get how he hurt me. I am on the verge of a breakdown. I wish I had friends I could trust and turn to. I have no one to lean on or tell me eveything is going to be ok. I am alone to suffer in this black abyss or sadness.I have to be strong for my kids, but am finding it hard to. I just long for the ability to make healthy connections with ppl. This guy I was with just sweet talked his way into my life. Even though I have known him for 17yrs (longer than my husband) I just don't even know what to make of him and his behavior. He has always been the sweetest most awesome guy. Give you the shirt off his back kind of a person. Idk why he chose me to do this with. He honestly made mefeel like no one has ever before. I just hate that we did what we did. Regardless of what our situations were it should have never happened. I am ashamed, full of guilt, remorse, and just hate myself for it. I hope one day I can get passed this and stop letting ppl come into my life because I'm lonely. This is the first and last time I will ever do anything like this. I just can't take the guilt……

1 Comment
  1. Mz_Unda_Std 11 years ago

    Thank you for your words Camino. I have a tendancy to be my worst enemy and beat myself all the time. I am constantly full of guilt over alot of things I've done or haven't done that I should have. I hope that with the new therapist I'm seeing we can sort out alot of this mess. She also suggested we make a plan and see what needs to be dealt with first and work from there. I just hate that in the meantime I am screwing up in school already and my kids r getting out of control. I'm sure the arguing between my husband and I doesn't help. I have begged him for us to try and get along as long as we r still living together. Hopefully we can. It just feels horrible to think about divorce. I know that it's the best thing for both of us. Still I can't help but to feel sad and like a failure. I probably would have stayed married to him until the kids left the house for college (my youngest is still home for another 9yrs. =S  )  But I know that would be stupid of me to suffer with the all the crap he puts me through. I hope I can get over the fear of being alone forever. THe living alone I can deal with but the being alone without companionship for the rest of my life is a hard pill to swallow. I guess we'll see what happens. For now I have to get ahold of myself for my kids and keep on keeping on…..

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