unfortunately my computer decided to be lovely and freeze constantly lastnight so i didnt get any of the replies to my blog or my outburst on the group… but they gave me a few tears this morning ( well technically its 4 in the afternoon but whos keeping track haha)  and thankyou so much.. its extremely comforting to come online and see that i have 11 notifications of people who wanted to reply to what i had to say and how i was feeling and took the time to care about me. ( kinda makes me wanna cry again haha geez i need to stop being such a basketcase today haha) and yeah i know i should go to a doctor and try anti depressents again or counselling but its just hard cause sometimes i feel fine an that always seems to be the time i have the appt so i go in there happy as can be with nothing to say. and then its like 2 hours later im wishing i could be at counselling to talk! its ridiculous. and my last counsellor committed suicide and it was a really bad situation with his family and stuff and now its even harder to talk to counselors cause i feel like.. at any time u could start going through depression and or else its like.. when im feeling happy i can give myself advice.. be active.. be positive surround yourself with good uplifting people bla bla but then that feelings gone and i cant or wont make myself do any of it. grrrrrrr so frusterating . i just graduated and im working part time and even that feels like to much but i think maybe if i get a steady full time job and start having a regular routine again my life will kinda feel more put together and then i can start piecing myself back together? and maybe ill try the meds..is rather stay away from counceling, ive been taking like 5htp pills or w,e but i have a hard time doing it regularly so thatts no helping my case to much haha. ( im trying to reply a bit to everyones comments in this blog, if it seems to be all over the map thats why haha ).