There is a massive difference between my sister that is more than physical. She is loved and wanted, no one has ever used and abandoned her the way I have been. Most of life she contributed to the abuse I was enduring. My parents never did anything even when I begged them not to leave me alone with her but they just told me I was overreacting or they would mention something I had done to her. These obvious cause and effects but they were missing the why did I react this way to her. If I even dared fight back she would scream and cry then I would be the monster. I’m still wrapping my head around that someone can be so awful and still loved deeply and widely. When her birthday came around, her friends were blowing up my phone asking questions about what she wanted and wanting to make the day as special for her. Some jealousy flares up because I’ve always had crappy birthday it took 21 years to have one good birthday. Still, there isn’t a person who doesn’t go out of their way for me to celebrate something I’ve done. Most of my life I’ve been on my own and I certainly don’t trust anyone either. I tried to have a book party when I published my first book and no one showed up without even giving me notice. I grew up everyone’s punching bag my whole life and instead of coming out the other side loved. I’m alone most of them any focus on me has to fall on my shoulder. I don’t trust anyone to make new friends or even date. The thought of opening myself to someone with the risk of them leaving terrifies me to the point could feel my anxiety flare. I sometimes wonder if I have to be a really mean for people to think I’m the best