Hello internet,

I’ve made the jump to find and connect with others online because it isn’t something I do in real life.  And I’m trying to phrase this all in a way that isn’t super depressing and wah meee, so, ya know, bear with me.

In a point: I don’t really get the whole “being a human” thing.

Or, at least that is where I have been for the last ten years since around sixteen and, all the while, not knowing really what changed or why this inability to connect with others, constant life partner of sadness that I did not choose, questioning EVERYthing, including myself… like where the fuck does that just develop after 16ish years of mostly being pretty okay?  But, alas, here I am.

You know the struggle?  I’m hoping some people do; don’t make me write this for nothing, dudes.

There’s a lot of background and analysis of what lead up to where I am today, just as with anyone’s story, of course, but basically where it’s at now is depression/anxiety washing over everything in my life and making it hard to just feel okay being. So, that’s really fun. I do honestly have a terribly hard time expressing myself on basically all levels and feel like I have to figure this shit out at least somewhat to even start opening myself back up to being able to find common ground with others.  It’s basically like I’ve walled myself off, I’ve ostracized myself from any idea of connection and communication.  Which, maybe you already know… isn’t the best life decision.

I know I have a lot more going on than making a decision to be happy or not, don’t get me wrong, but I do try reeeeally hard to make the decision to be happy.  It still has proven unsuccessful at best, and impossible in the worst times.

So, I’d be happy to share more later and please feel free to hit me up if any of this resonates with you.  I’m learning that trying to counter this alone isn’t going to work like I have desperately hoped and want to try to reach out/build that feeling of not being alone in this.

Let’s be not alone, while alone, but together on the internet. 🙂

3 Comments
  1. gtll 3 years ago

    I feel the exact way, I’ve created a wall with everyone I know as a protective mechanism. I was tired of coming up with excuses when friends wanted to hang out.

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      caitlin3 3 years ago

      DUDE. Yes. Same here. I would get so anxious about hanging out after I had already agreed and cancel or outright just make up excuses every time to the point where now I don’t have to worry about it because I don’t do friendship at all…which I simultaneously want to change because I would love to have meaningful friendships and don’t want to change because I’m so comfortable with not having that stressor.

      You mention that you feel it has been a protective mechanism for you, I feel the same way. Bad friend breakups, family situation which was filled with no connection and semi-abandonment, the anxiety of just not feeling like I could sustain friendships, mixed with the ever-fun cloud of depression making it all seem not worth it anyway… I am trying to turn this shitshow around, but it has definitely been a long time of isolating and it is certainly going to take a lot of work bleh ha. How have you found it to be a protective mechanism in your life?

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  2. elf 3 years ago

    Sorry. I feel so crappy right now I can’t read your blog. I tried. I just kept rereading the same line and nothing registered. I hope I remember to come back to it. Sorry.

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