When I arrived at college my freshman year, I had no idea what to expect. I knew I had been presenting myself as heterosexual, but being on the LGBT “Rainbow” floor, I was hoping to truly explore my sexuality. However my very macho and very heterosexual boyfriend lived only a few doors down from me, making it hard, making it impossible for me to be myself.
My roommate was a very proud, very out, lesbian. How lesbian was she? You ask. She had a “Nobody knows I’m Gay” rainbow mug she flashed to me almost the second we met. I thought she was great, I was finally going to be around someone who could possibly share what I was feeling! But that wasn’t the case at all. The second she found out I had a boyfriend she turned on me, fast. She hated me. She made sure to constantly remind me that “Allies had NO place in the LGBTQ+ community.” And although I wasn’t an ally, I wasn’t a self-proclaimed lesbian, and to my roommate, that meant I was straight.
Everyone on the floor from then on out assumed I was straight. I was labeled an as “ally”. Which, don’t get me wrong, allies can be great but let’s be honest, I didn’t sign up to be on the LGBT floor to be labeled a hetero. I wanted to explore my sexuality! Did I like girls? Did I like guys? Did I like even care what their gender was? Was I bisexual? Was I straight and just confused? I mean I was definitely confused, and with everyone pressuring me, I convinced myself I was just an ally.
But as I continued to push past the setbacks, put myself in counseling, ignore my roommate who eventually moved out and blocked me on all social media because I wasn’t a lesbian, and essentially made a place in the LGBTQ+ community even though I felt I had none, my sexuality started to make more sense to me. I realized, I didn’t care what gender someone was. I don’t really think my sexuality had to be contained to one definition, but the definition I most identified with, was Pansexual.
I am pansexual. It took a long time to get here, it took a lot of courage to say “No, I’m not just an ally,” to pretty much everyone in my path, but I finally came to understand who I was, who I am.
Don’t let others bully you into thinking you’re something that you’re not. Don’t let people hold you back. Be you, be strong. As for me, I’m pan.