i wrote him a letter cause he didnt understand, im putting it here cause hes not responding and i want to remember. I didnt phyically cheat but my heart is and its not fair to anyone.
where does our story begin. there are so many chapters so many beginnings that lead to many endings. when we met you just came from NY. wow a pace far away from SC. I was in my second foster home. its where Robert was and I needed to be with him. that foster dad hated me from day one. telling me that if I ever dare accuse him of touching me he would be ruined and made it clear not to say anything about Donald. that's when we met. I remember one day after school I was walking home and in the school yard was a group of black guys, one I know, I walked past them and they pushed me to the ground and laughed. I got up and walked home crying. my 3rd and last home was no better. the girls teased me all the time. the only thing I remember getting me threw was you. you were so strong when I wasn't. I remember dating but I was searching for something. I wanted to leave. I remember the good times at lunch and how I got the name red.
I remember my dad finally getting ahold of me. he was willing to get me far away from SC. the day he came for me I was walking around the neighborhood with little with me. some person asked me if I was running away.
the drive back to MI was long. here I was with a complete stranger. my dad who I knew nothing about. yet he was taking me far away. he became everything to me. nothing he did wrong mattered. he told me to get over Donald. the past is the past. he never knew about ricky or Charlie. no one does. My dad told me to stop talking to you, he didn't like the long phone calls or the phone bill or you sending me money. I was always trying to make him proud of me. his drinking never hit me till years later.
so time went on, I met new friends new boyfriends life was better in MI even threw the hard times. when things settled in SC I came back. now these events get fuzzy in my head. im not sure what came first but its what I have remembered.
One time I was there I went looking for you I ALWAYS looked for you. I went to your house but you were not there, still not sure if it was the right house. my mom said you called her house a few times.
there was a party at a hotel, I don't know who I went with but I stayed with you alone in one of the rooms.
next thing I know im in FL. I do remember sleeping with you, I remember you showing me how to cook pasta. I was sad the whole time I was with you. I cried when you left to go get condoms. its why I feel asleep. you were leaving and I could do nothing about it. my mom and Julie came to get me. I cried the whole way home. but then cause the hurt was so bad I blocked you out.
in high school I had a picture of you in dress blues, I told leah that you were who I was suppose to be with forever. she said you were no good its a long distance and it would never work.
1996 the year I met bill. (husband 1) the year I graduated HS. I got pregnant by him, I had moved out of my dad's house at 17. he didn't care he just let me go. And so here was this man willing to care for me and take control. I had no worry I thought. he had me throw away all my past writings pictures my friends and eventually my family. but he took care of me. I didn't know at the time he was a Nazi, till it was too late. he was making me one slowly too. he had full control. I lost everything and everyone. I believe this is when I mailed you back your stuff. all I had left was him and his family. he videoed me talking of hating people. which was easy cause I hated a few. he would have sex with me while I slept, in places I didn't want. I would wake up andhe would laugh. He was always physical with me. I worked a job and while there I lost the baby which is why I married him. he took me to the clinic and boldly told me to get over it and stop crying. ive never mourned for that child. fate knew what she was doing. I finally had strength to leave, it took two trys but I did it. I guess this is the time I went back to SC and you wanted me to go with you. I was so messed up. I couldn't trust anyone. I was broken and left with nothing. I know you've heard this story but look what it did to me, understand how I was feeling. I was scared.
eventually I made it back to MI about the time my dad was leaving that xmas before my grandma died on xmas day. Bill was no help with that. so my dad and grandpa left for ohio while I stayed. In and out of relationships again until I met chuck. he was 10+ yrs wiser. I tried again to find what I was looking for. but he wanted me to be someone that I wasn't. but I did it anyway. I longed to be loved. after many failed attempts I move back to SC. I looked for you but you were not there again. that's when I met jeff. from the beginning I told him it wouldn't work.
I read threw my journals and we faught all the time. but again he was leaving SC and I was ready to go. we still don't see eye to eye. he tries to fix things, I cant be fixed. he tells me to buy myself something nice, I don't need that. he treats me good and he cares for me. I had to chage for him and I still am.
at this point in my life I have no idea who I am anymore. im just what others want me to be. but I figured it out while writing this letter . my whole life has been about change, forgetting, moving and leaving people.
you never changed, I always thought that's what I needed was change. when what I really needed was you. you who never changed , you who was always there for me, you who stood by if not in front of my battles, you held my hand. just the other night you said you wanted to smack the shit out of Donald and my mom, I melted, you knew my pain. you don't pity me like everyone else does, you want to fight right by my side.
so for these last few years I fell back in love with you. I remembered how we use to be and how we were becoming. after everything that has changed in my life you were the one who was ALWAYS by myside. you stayed the same. I was always running while you stood still fighting my battles.and I should've been with you the hole time.
im sorry im late to see what you've always seen. so now we are here and now. I want to leave JC , but I can't. I can't take the risk of my girls having my past. I have to do them right after all the wrong I did. I need to do right by them.
I heard your story and what you gave up for me and I know YOU LOVE ME WHOLE HEARTEDLY , I hope you know I feel the same. but this is only part of my story. but its why ive chose what ive chosen. im a runner…always have been. ive been looking to run from JC since the day we met.
I will go to my grave with everything ive done wrong, knowing I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go. you will always be the biggest part of my heart, and its why I can't let you go. you ask why I love you, just listen to what I say. change has killed my life
