I don't really know where to dump all this but this may be a rather long blog simply because there's a lot to get out and there's a lot of frustration and sadness and lonelyness and wanting in my life.

It's Sunday at noon and my homework is due next Friday, a big project I haven't started and I find myself in the same position I was in before, seemingly with no way to get out. I can't make myself work, I just can't force it it won't go when I sit down my mind wanders. I HAVE to get this done, I'm terrified I'm going to fail this class, and I can't afford anymore failure. I've failed probably about 10 classes in my college career, so much so that financial aid is no longer available and this is being paid out of pocket. That's my hard earned money and money is hard for me to come by even with my job.

Money is a big worry. I make about $2200-2400 a month, about $250 goes into gas, $79 into my cell phone, $156 into insurance, $240 into a car payment and right now $1000 in tuition which will change to $450 a month in student loans once I finish these two classes I'm in. I know I'm only paying $300in rent now but I need to get an apartment soon as my parents are going through a bankruptcy and have to move. I have been spending money like I actually have money buying things like games and food and little things here and there to try to make myself happy, but I know I can't afford to do it as I watch my bank balance dwindle after each paycheck. It's scary to think that if I got fired I don't know if I could find another job given my lack of degree (one that pays decent, min wage isn't going to pay my bills with all my debt).

My other worry is just with relationships and what I do outside of work. Currently I have an ex I still talk to who is a friend, wish it was more but I accept that she doesn't want me right now and may never want me again, and I have my family that will be going away. It's hard to think that everything I held onto is going to go away, like my whole life is changing and there's nothing left of what was. (may not be able to go back to school, lost my relationship, losing my family I spend time with, etc)

There's nothing left now, but sorrow and work and need to survive, and I wonder if I should get back on an SSRI. They literally make me dead inside and feel like I don't care about anyone, including myself. Everyone in my family said I seemed so much cheerier, but I also know I didn't feel like I was in love with my ex anymore (was still with her) and that I ended up doing foolish things because of that. I also felt empty, like nothing at all mattered in life.

Realistically though, maybe that's for the best. If I could shut all the thoughts off and just work two jobs and save money so maybe one day I can finish my degree or just put the money away for a time when maybe something good comes my way and I make friends or maybe a relationship where I can get off the mediciation and start caring about myself and others again. There's no point in caring when there's no one to care for. My attempts to socialize have failed, I've failed in my relationships and the only thing that brings me pleasure anymore are unhealthy things like drinking and playing video games and spending money I shouldn't be.

I have student loans and car debts and all this, and I am a slave to the money. I am sick of it but it is how life is. I feel so small and unimportant and I find it funny when I look at people with money, who could fix those problems and set me free to explore life. Then again with how down I am would it really matter?

I went on a dating site earlier, first time in a while and I remember why I don't. Even if I was ready, no one has anything in common with me on there, and if I feel they do, I take the time to sit down and send them a message and get nothing back. I don't really think I'm ugly but the rejection still hurts. I get it though, why would you want to go on a date with someone you're not interested in. But I keep wondering, why not me? And it makes me feel alone, like really there's no one out there I'll be able to connect with, and then I start wondering who the hell I am anyway. My identity feels so small.

From reading buddhism I find that it is important in that particular mindset to try to "kill" the ego and what makes you who you are and just express the world around us as it is and that suffering comes from our desires in life. But isn't it also depressing to want to feel nothing and just accept life and death? Is that the same as the SSRI, in that it kills your cares, and therefore why would you worry or be sad when you don't care?

I wish someone cared, I wish someone would tell me "Hey I'm here for you I want to help you, I will support you no matter what" but I will have no such luxury, it's just going to be me.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    I felt sad when I read your blog. We all attract people when we are feeling good. But the fact of the matter is we walk all the dark scary places in our life alone. In all my 79 years, with or without mates I found this lesson over and over again. When you are convinced that you are a survivor and can do more than survive and subsit, life becomes less fraught. I also learned to trust powers beyond myself. What will be will be; but there is such a thing as being in harmoony with the university . Syncrinicity and synergy do happen and they do make life better. Trusting that things will be better and  that life is not all downhill, helps too.

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