So yesterday was the worst day ever, at least that it had been in months. Where to begin? Well first thing my mother comes into my room early today to wake me and bitch at me because she hates that I sleep naked. It’s not like she sees me since I sleep with the door closed. Plus I’ve been doing it since I was 16 and I’m now 20 so why start the bitching now? Then I went to mass with my sister, brother-in-law, and their family. I’m spiritual, not religious. And so they are trying to force me into going because they hate how I live my life anymore as well. Then I was so tired and my son was about to take a nap so I took one myself before work. So my brother-in-law decides to talk to me alone. He brought up how I live my life in sin, how I need to find God again, how I neglect my kid (which I don’t btw, I love my son and he is my life), how I am sinning because I sleep with my son’s father and boyfriend of almost 4 years and am not married and also because I am bisexual. He made me feel so bad about myself for choices in my life. I was told I needed to talk about them because they won’t go away and ignoring them only makes them worse. I’m sorry but that is how I deal with things and not want to kill or hurt myself anymore. It just made things worse. He also brought up my abortion I had in March the week before my son’s birthday. I hate myself for doing it since I loved that baby. But I did what I saw as best at that time. No one had talked to me about it until now. I cried myself to sleep for weeks and finally started to move on. Now that he brought it up all those feelings came flooding back now and I can’t take them. Those feelings are the reason I tried to kill myself after the fact back then. Then at work we were so busy it just made me stressed. I’m a server/hostess so just being rushed around put stress on me. Oh and lets not forget that I finally told my friend that her boyfriend has been fooling around. I just told her about the most recent one because if I told her anymore then I worry what she would do. And I think it would drive her over the edge if she found out that I was one of those girls. (I felt so bad after I never did it again). For days I have been wondering what to do- tell her or not the tell her. When I finally told her and saw how she was hurt it reminded me of all the hurt my boyfriend caused when he cheated all four times. Seeing her hurt was so hard knowing some of it was because of me since I told her. The last thing I wanted was for her to be hurt. I would rather be dead than keep feeling this way again. I don’t know what to do since this is the worst I’ve been through in months. I thought no one would bring up those feelings again. That’s one reason I haven’t gone to see someone to talk since I know it would just stir up pain and feelings I don’t know how to handle. Just things I didn’t want to deal with were talked about today and it’s hard to not hurt myself. And about an hour ago I sent a text to my sister’s cell phone about how I felt and of course they keep calling me. I am way too high and drunk to be talking to them. I just want things to get better. I want a better, happy life again. Why does it feel like nothing will ever improve? Some days it’s hard for me to keep on going.

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 12 years ago

    Somedays, I understand. It doesn't feel like things will get better. Other days, I look and see they do, a little at a time–if you try and make them so. Honestly I've had a hell of a fight, and I've very little in my life to draw upon (no love interests, no children.) Yet I continue the tough fight.

     

    Let me say that I suggest you do get help, a doctor of some kind and a counselor. It may hurt to talk about the things, but the counselor can help guide you on a path to facing them and dealing with them and preventing more such hurt in the future. It won't be easy, but is anything worth doing, really ever easy?

    Please Keep fighting.  I can't imagine all the stress and frustration you went through with family and the like–each of us has our own version of those things. With the abortion and Catholicism's often instilled guilt, well that only doubles that stress. I'm not one to tell you to rush off and pray. That isn't a solution, merely an action. For some people it helps their hurts and hearts, but God, IMHO, isn't a magic genie to fix things, he's a listener, one you can trust, that doesn't mean solutions will obviously appear. We still have to work at it. Then again, I've some strange personal beliefs.

    I encourage you to pray, or meditate, or whatever your spiritual side does, but try and get some outside help. If you broke a leg, you'd get it set and put it in a cast–and sometimes THAT hurts (they sometimes have to rebreak a leg so it will heal right.) Yet that doesn't mean it won't heal, with time and care.  Just like the hurts of the heart and mind.

     

    Good luck. Strength to your heart. I wish you well.

     

     

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