As I continue to be low (and it was bad last night), a lot of different things are on my mind. I'm not going to try to look at all of it at once. I'm not sure I'm ready to put some of it out there, and I think it's possible to break things up in a way that still makes sense, making it less for anyone to look at, at any given time.
In the last year or so, I've noticed that when I'm struggling emotionally I start to have passive-aggressive inclinations. Maybe I've been like this for longer but just wasn't aware. But in any event, something upsets me, and one of the first ways of handling it or responding to it that I think of is passive aggressive. I recognize at the very least that it's not the best way, or not quite right, and then I wind up feeling guilty for it, feeling worse, sometimes leading toward considering more passive-aggressive options.
One of the big ones is essentially "hiding" or "disappearing," essentially to try and get some attention. I've considered cutting my contact with online friends, without a word, for a span of several days, just to see what they say, if they'd even notice…maybe they'd even find another way to contact me after a day or two to ask where I am. Sadly, part of what dissuades me from this isn't what I feel is a degree of dishonesty, but the thought that maybe nobody would notice. That after several days, I'd log on, nobody would send me a message, and when I contact them, there'd be no mention, not noticing of the fact that I had been "gone" for several days.
Even though I don't really follow through, is it indeed passive-aggressive, at least the stuff I think of? How badly am I falling into the realm of attention seeking with those ideas?
I would say yes it is passive aggressive. I would also say your attention seeking. I would lie if I said I have not thought to do the same at some point or another, and like you I do/did not follow through but the thought was there. My fear was/is no-one will even notice. Don't want to deal with that upset, so I don't go there at all.
My physical health is not good, and I'm trying to handle it on my own, even though I could probably get some help. I don't know if I'm truly being neglected or lacking in the right sort of attention, but I guess I do feel that way. Certainly at work I feel at best under-appreciated, and much of the time like I'm not doing anything right, and that nobody cares. Since I'm going to leave the job anyway, I'm just going in the direction of not caring there, to get through the last bit of it.
I'm at least trying not to act on the passive-aggressive thoughts I have, or engage in the attention-seeking behaviors, particularly anything that would be alarming to people. I've told my boyfriend that I'm having a rough time. Unfortunately, he is, too. But I remind myself that if I want to do things to get people to ask me what's wrong or things like that, I can also just tell some of my friends I'm having a rough time and need to talk. It's hard for me to do that, but I do have some plans in place to go to a couple of my friends in a more direct and responsible way.