I am the teacher that parents request to be in my class. I am the creative teacher. I am the teacher that other teachers come to for assistance. I am all of these things, yet I am so broken. I want to give my kindergarten kiddos my all, but there's not much to give. Crying in the staff bathroom during my planning time and trying to convince myself that I shouldn't take my life…that's my reality. I'm coming up with excuses as to why those scars are on my wrist. As those small arms wrap around my waist each day, tears fill my eyes. I love my students, but they deserve so much more. I'm barely holding on. I'm not really sure of how long I can continue holding on. I'm fighting so hard, yet falling so far.

Our fall party was 2 weeks ago. I tried as hard as I could to make the whole day fun. Lately, I have been so irritable and angry at work, so I wanted that day to be great.I made games and activities for my students to do. After the party, I repeatedly heard, "This is the best day ever!" I felt good, but in that moment I wanted to take my life more than ever. To me, it was the perfect time to go. I gave them the best day ever and that was how I wanted them to remember me. I would rather them remember me that way, than the way I currently am.

Do I eat, or should I restrict as I desire? That's the question I must ask myselfdaily. I am disgusted with my body, and I am aware that it's the eating disorder that is making me feel this way. I wish I could love myself, but I am unable to look at myself in the mirror. I put so many before myself and cross oceans for people who won't even jump puddles for me. Idon't even love myself. A friend said, "I wish I had an eating disorder like you, then maybe I'd be skinny!" My illness is looked at as a joke. This is why I shut people out. When I open up,no one truly understands. I'm hurting bad, but no one understands.

Four hospitalizations and I still feel this way. I want to hope for a better tomorrow, but tomorrow will just be like today, so how can I hope? The thoughts are intense. The tears won't stop falling. The pain won't end. How can I hold onto hope? How can I continue to fight a battle that I am not equipped to fight? More questions, yet I hold no answers. So here goes another night in tears. Another night where I fight the urges to cut. Another night where I try to determine if fighting again tomorrow is even worth it.

2 Comments
  1. soullessbvblover 6 years ago

    I'm so sorry about how you are feeling, I can SO relate. every day I think of different ways to die, all day. I've given up on recovery and have gone straight back to my anorexia. I know what it can do, what's its done to me. but I liked how I looked, being skinny even though I still felt fat. it's never a win win stiuation. the fact that you keep trying each day, shows how strong you are even if you don't believe it. I never leave the house anymore unless it's tog o do the gym and even that's a struggle because I don't want to be seen. i'm not 84 pounds anymore, i'm still considered under weight but that's not good enough I want to get to 84 again or lower.  and to cut almost every night…it's a never ending struggle. and people who joke about it have no fucking idea of the torture we go through day in and day out. I too have blocked everyone out. even the friends i've made in treatment because I know i'd just bring them down and I can't do that to them. they've come so far. but i keep falling. anyway, if it's possible just hold onto one reason everyday of why you should be here. because you do deserve to be here. you are beautiful inside and out and i know you don't believe it but it's true. please try to keep fighting. i'm here rooting for you.

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  2. maycee 6 years ago

    Hi ToSmile,

    It’s really good to see you again.  It’s funny you should have a problem with hope.  I think it is going around.  I really think that you are a wonderful person and your students, parents and other teachers confirm my impression.  I do wish I could give you hope but I know others find hope in knowing you.  It sounds like you make many lives better.  I wish one of them could be your own.  I have no problem being your cheerleader if you decide you need one.  I really do think you are the loveliest of people.  I will keep you in my thoughts.  Thank you for sharing.  It really is great to see you.   Take care, dear one.  I hope tomorrow you Smile. 

     

     

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