I am the teacher that parents request to be in my class. I am the creative teacher. I am the teacher that other teachers come to for assistance. I am all of these things, yet I am so broken. I want to give my kindergarten kiddos my all, but there's not much to give. Crying in the staff bathroom during my planning time and trying to convince myself that I shouldn't take my life…that's my reality. I'm coming up with excuses as to why those scars are on my wrist. As those small arms wrap around my waist each day, tears fill my eyes. I love my students, but they deserve so much more. I'm barely holding on. I'm not really sure of how long I can continue holding on. I'm fighting so hard, yet falling so far.
Our fall party was 2 weeks ago. I tried as hard as I could to make the whole day fun. Lately, I have been so irritable and angry at work, so I wanted that day to be great.I made games and activities for my students to do. After the party, I repeatedly heard, "This is the best day ever!" I felt good, but in that moment I wanted to take my life more than ever. To me, it was the perfect time to go. I gave them the best day ever and that was how I wanted them to remember me. I would rather them remember me that way, than the way I currently am.
Do I eat, or should I restrict as I desire? That's the question I must ask myselfdaily. I am disgusted with my body, and I am aware that it's the eating disorder that is making me feel this way. I wish I could love myself, but I am unable to look at myself in the mirror. I put so many before myself and cross oceans for people who won't even jump puddles for me. Idon't even love myself. A friend said, "I wish I had an eating disorder like you, then maybe I'd be skinny!" My illness is looked at as a joke. This is why I shut people out. When I open up,no one truly understands. I'm hurting bad, but no one understands.
Four hospitalizations and I still feel this way. I want to hope for a better tomorrow, but tomorrow will just be like today, so how can I hope? The thoughts are intense. The tears won't stop falling. The pain won't end. How can I hold onto hope? How can I continue to fight a battle that I am not equipped to fight? More questions, yet I hold no answers. So here goes another night in tears. Another night where I fight the urges to cut. Another night where I try to determine if fighting again tomorrow is even worth it.